Respite.............

I was so fortunate last night to have my parents take the kids for the night......and in catching my breath I realized how much I needed it........I have had my kids pretty much 24/7 from the beginning of the pandemic almost a year and a half......not much space between us or respite, besides going to work daily for a few months.......... and I am so fortunate that they are great kids.......easy to be around and up for most anything, and it makes my mothering joyful and blessed each and every day............ but we all need rest from time to time........when their dad was here it was nice to have a window of time to catch my breath, while he did something with them, or for them, but now it is truly just me........and it is the most demanding and wonderful job I have ever had........no other place on the earth I would rather be, or want to be, and I feel so fortunate I get to have them in my life........and having my parents around to take them for the night is such a gift to me, and it makes me feel so sorry for all the single parents across America that are in desperate need of a break and just don't get to have one.........it is hard to be the grown up we decide we want to be inside of being the parent we need to be......to not have the time or space to spread our wings because those wings are surrounding our young........and I feel like that needs to be balanced somehow......... So sometimes the two need to feel separate, in a real way........I got to visit with my friend on the deck, it was lovely and we had such a nice time........ and then when she left............... the house was...........so empty............have only been here one other time totally alone and it was so bizarre.........and quiet........and the emptiness was vast.........and I was reminded in that emptiness how full my life truly is.......that normally this big old house is filled to the brim despite it just being the three of us.......filled with love and energy and smiles..........my kids have already Facetimed me this morning, missing me and wanting to see me, and excited for when I pick them up later......such an amazing feeling to be needed......cherished and loved the way they love me.........being loved fiercely by your children is such a profound gift in this life........and such a blessing........and I know that Nick feels the absence of that to some degree when he is around them, that it has diminished some.......not so fierce and bright........and he always seems confused by that fact.........makes comments about it.......and to me it is so obvious.........you have to put YOUR TIME in, you just do to receive that kinda love and adoration from your kids........my kids love their dad a lot.......and always will no matter what happens from this point......and I know they wish that things were different, and his follow through was better these days, and as I always say I hold out hope it will be one day.........but for now it is confusing and perplexing to us all.........so sometimes I feel like I now receive double the love.......double the adoration........double the good stuff because they don't have a consistent place to put that anymore.......that is a pretty good trade off for absorbing double the responsibility........and dealing with all I have........and something tells me if he gets it right and they can pour that love back to him we will still share an extraordinary bond, forged in fire...........the relationship I am creating with my children now is cemented in the most solid of things........I am their safe place..........their respite.........their whole world........it is an awesome responsibility......sometimes taking my breath away, the size of it.........but it is one of the most worthy things I have ever done.........in my entire life............and one of my greatest accomplishments.......to be their mother and especially to be their mother in the here and now.........and I am doing my best each and every day..........