Since this all has happened I have wrestled with this part......the part where we talk.....acknowledge the elephant in the room.....say the things......something......and this week is dredging up those feelings again......maybe because I am here with our kids and he isn't......or maybe this is just how it is sometimes......in the beginning it seemed so so important......to have him "get it"........to make him understand.......all of it......and now it isn't so much that......it would be nice for that to be so but I know better now, and am wise enough to know I don't NEED that from him to be whole in my life again.......I just don't......but something about it makes me feel a little panicky every once in awhile......the ignoring of the elephant......the pretending.......the being cordial and having pleasantries when there is so much below it all..........and maybe I can do it forever.......maybe.......but I think for me the issue that makes it resurface, is that I am not fake......I am real.......I am authentic, especially in my life these days, and the relationships in my life that force me to have to restrain that to keep peace make me uncomfortable.......and make me feel some kinda way.......and I have a few people in my life like that, and it is hard.......and some of that is unavoidable......it just is......we can talk about boundaries......about what we allow in our lives.......what we choose in our lives all we want......but we all know sometimes due to many circumstances......we just have to adjust accordingly to a situation and swallow some of that to make it work.......and I certainly have done my share when it comes to him and his relationship.......and I know it is the greater good.....my kids are adjusted and happy.....and all of us getting along is in their best interest no question......so I persist........to that end.........but I suppose sometimes the need for truth and light nags at me and makes me feel some things.......and comes to find me with an intensity that surprises me.......I will have to say my piece to him at some point.......I just will......via letter......via something.......and I should......I should get to do that........but the how and way is not at all clear, at least for now......so as has been the case I will ride this wave over and over as it comes for me.......and feel the swell of it beneath my feet......making its awareness in my soul known........announcing its arrival.....seemingly out of the blue.....and under circumstances I would not think would cause it to surface......I will also trust in timing.....in my own intuition......in the knowing of when it will be right......how......all of it......and in the meantime I will make peace with it all, in the ways I know how......and understand that this is showing me where there is more work to be done......
jperuso
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