I am fortunate that these are emotions that don't come to find me often.......but I would be lying if I said they don't come at all.......yesterday and Father's Day triggered some of that in me.......the anger and feeling of being left holding the bag and being responsible for all of it on my own......to watch my kids wondering about wanting to see him, or drop his gifts to him and having the answer to that question be too complicated to answer.........truth is there is nowhere I would rather be than with my kids doing my thing.......not ever............. so feeling resentment is futile.........but I am committed to allowing the emotions come to me........pass through me.......then move on........and most of the time they are fleeting making a quick stop........and each time I can work myself through them in my mind and acknowledge what they are bringing up in me........what it is that is truly bothering me in my heart.........and yesterday my kids got up in rare form........conspiring to do as many things as they could do to push me over the edge.....lol:) at least that is how it felt............ it was a comedy of errors from the moment I opened my eyes.....and after I was tending to mess after mess or catastrophe after catastrophe I felt so alone.........alone in all of it.......summoning my patience and running my anger through my mind............and being alone in this wasn't the plan......I didn't make humans with another human to just be taking care of them by myself......I didn't.................and yet I will be..........essentially forever.........whatever path he chooses..........and that is daunting........and most days it just is......and the weight of it feels really manageable.......almost like no big deal.....because I have always shouldered a good portion of the responsibility of our children...........that part isn't so new............but once in awhile the weight feels really heavy..............like really heavy..........and yesterday it felt that way.........and so it brought up these emotions for me to look at.......like how dare you just leave........like really how dare you..............how dare you bail on your responsibility in this life.........and leave me in all of it.......taking care of the house, our life, all of it..........and so I invited those feelings in..........talked them through with a great friend and with my family, and then let them go.............and as I said I feel so fortunate that these feelings don't come to find me often because I believe they are futile emotions and truly a cover up for other ones.......like hurt and pain.............. so luckily most of the time I able to get in touch with the real emotions I am feeling.....the core of them and work through them...........but I do feel that anger is important when it steps up.....it obviously needs to be heard........needs a turn...........needs the message it brought to be read and understood.......and I honor it.........even if I don't feel comfortable staying there too long.......wish there was a clean and easy way through this.........but healing is messy and surprising.......complicated and full of layers..........and it is a humbling process to go through.........I was also able to cry a bit yesterday which I haven't in a little bit now........was wondering why I haven't cried in awhile......... and I think my anger brought the tears............... because the tears is truly what my anger was about..........it was about the pain.....funny how that works;-).............so I will continue to travel.........to try and understand how I am feeling........but more important than understanding them.....which can be hard to do sometimes........the acknowledging...........that is what is the most important........to acknowledge them all..........which I what I will continue to do...........each and every day......
jperuso
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