That is a heavy statement right......conjures up a bunch of stuff when you think of it.....but it is most definitely what I feel has been attempted my way since he left.......the actions that have been chosen have been meant to mess with my mind and there have been some really unkind moments and many issues that have taken place......and even in the day to day most of my texts that I have to send related to kids go unanswered.......unless something specific needs to be answered, but if not then I get no Ok, acknowledgement, or any other short response as you would for another human being.....I get treated less than most of the time.....and I don't say this to garner pity.......I really don't.......I have stopped caring......and the actions they choose say MUCH MORE about THEM than they ever will about me........I get that.....and in the beginning it hurt my already bleeding heart.......and made me feel so so sad.......and hurt....... and added a mountain of hurt to an already massive amount.......but somehow along the way I learned to navigate it.....to let it go as so many other things I have had to let go of....and truth is these days it doesn't bother me at all.....I have lost all respect in a real sense, and so the weight of it all matters not.......sort of irrelevant to me in every way.......I don't care what he does or doesn't do......says or doesn't.......or if he chooses to be a decent person or not anymore.....as long as he does right by the kids when he sees them I don't care about the rest.....I wouldn't seek his opinion for advice......or seek his company.......or look to him for wisdom or understanding.....I wouldn't look to him for anything.......so what he and she do has no affect on me......and hasn't for quite some time......months.......but the interesting part is, if I had a more fragile constitution the things they have done, could have broken me for good and I just think that is so so awful.......like truly.......to think of.......the fact that they felt they had the right to do all of that on top of all the rest to me, is kind of hard to wrap my head around.......but see that is the thing......that is the lesson......is to take something like that and transmute it........I have used their treatment of me as FUEL.......it drives me......keeps me moving forward and up.......I take that treatment and it drives my steps on the treadmill.......drives me to keep rising each and every day.....drives me to keep my mind strong.....not letting my emotions get the better of me......all of it taken and transformed into something beautiful.....meaningful......strong......and it feels good to have found the way to do that......to take all the ugliness that has come to find me, and make it beautiful somehow.......Class was amazing last night.....I met 12 of the most interesting humans.....all coming to that class through their unique stories and lives.....it is going to be a beautiful 22 week ride! June 1st is my last class.......and I can only imagine the ways I will change, and my life will change by then, it is exciting to think of......as for the rest......they will have to answer for their actions someday......they really will.......and I am OK with letting it all shake out as it will......because it will......and I will keep staying above it......keeping my force field around me......not allowing the ugliness penetrate my heart, mind, and soul each and every day........I have better things to do:)
jperuso
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