So I have mentioned that this new life I am carving out is pretty amazing. I am enjoying my zen little vibe I got going.......I like having my own trail to blaze without worrying about another's path in this life......I like making decisions and driving MY BUS and not having anybody weigh me down....or hold me back......I like the quiet and meditative spots in my day that I have built in....I love it all, truly.....but here is where it challenges me.....it is when it comes to sharing my kids with another human...or no longer sharing them in the same way that is so difficult......THE OTHER HUMAN that loves them like me....that knows them like I do.....or maybe not like me but you get the idea......the other person that knows what they love to eat....what they don't....what makes them tick, and what they struggle with....knows their inner workings....their whole history......that other person is gone and I am left to enjoy them alone..... and most of the time that is just fine.....because much of my marriage I was hanging with my kids solo often and enjoying them on my own...but sometimes you just want to share about your kids with the only other person that gets it.....truly gets it or at least used to.......but now that person doesn't seem to get it anymore........is not available in the same way to share those things with anymore......so you are left holding the bag......giving up even more freedom than a mom normally has....all in the name of saving your kids and putting them first.......some days it feels heavier than other......I still pray that the magic of healthy co- parenting will come to find us one day, when the dust settles, but I certainly can't be sure it will.....so in the meantime I am missing sharing my kids with another human....the human I created them with.....the one I thought would be here forever.....enjoying them, loving on them, watching them grow.....helping me walk this walk......it is tough to get used to....I have to say....especially when I had it all.....or what seemed like enough.........a totally different experience not all that long ago.....even though it feels like years now......a little over two months feels like forever....so much changing, so many revelations....so much pain and heartache.....and it is hard to imagine right now that it will ever be any different....but yet I know that life is sorta like that.....not stagnant in ANY way....full of surprises, many of which right around the corner....so I remain hopeful that somehow, some way I won't feel this alone in parenting our children forever........and perhaps it is temporary......but if it isn't and it always feels this way........then I will find a way to make peace with it....just as I have with each part of this excruciating journey.....one heartache.....one challenge.....one day at a time......I CAN DO HARD THINGS.......each and EVERY day...........
jperuso
Comments