Yesterday as my kids and I were driving home from hiking they started talking about their dad......and why he left.....and how much they miss him.....and how they wish he had stayed....it is always brutal when it comes up.....especially since I cannot share the truth at this point.....so it has to be this vague and confusing story....when in reality it is kind of clear....to some degree......and every time they talk about it.....they ask if I miss him....which I don't......and if I want him to come home.....which I don't.......and it is so painful for me.....I always tell them that I wish that this never happened and it wasn't what I wanted for them....but that may even be a lie now.....because the truth is, I would never get to live THIS life.....the one I am falling so in love with......if he was here with all his heaviness and demons....and I am keenly aware that he wasn't going to be able to conquer that in this lifetime.....so my happiness.....my joy......my new life......was at the expense of my kid's having a "normal" life with a mom and dad and it is so hard to reconcile.....I mean I didn't choose this, which makes me feel so much better.....I am so glad that I don't carry the demise of our sweet family all of my days and that that cross is his to carry all of his days.....that he was the one that left.......I couldn't have done that.....and here is the thing.....even if I had gotten to travel in a time machine to this morning.....this place in time.....knowing all I know now......would I have been strong enough to be the one to end it???.......because I would have to hurt my kids so much..........such an interesting question.....one that is hard to answer.....I would like to think yes......because our lives have gotten infinitely better in so many ways since he left.....but it is still that child like wish that all kids hold......the one where they live in a family, with a mom, with a dad, with it all in tact.......and I used to carry the same conflict they did.....wishing for a different ending....wishing he had stayed and figured it out.......but now I know that he wasn't able to .....it would have just continued, and I would have paid the price for all of it, the trying....the sacrifice of me to try and make it all work.....the funneling all of my precious energy into a black hole of space.....one where the pay off was not worth it so often in the last few years.....so it pains me so to see my kids wrestling with this big stuff.....and I told them one day we will talk about more of it.......however they truly are happy most of the time, and we have certainly found our way, and created a new life without him.....we don't need him that is clear......but it still hurts them that he didn't do right by us.....they know that clearly.....even though they don't know the grown up nuances yet.....they know that what he did was wrong.....on every level......and they still wish he had chosen differently......but these days.....I don't share that sentiment.....not even a little bit........
jperuso
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