This one is going to sting.......like ouch in all the ways........here we go..........Having to learn your place in a person's life, the way I learned my place in my husband's life is painful in ways that I can barely express......My entire marriage, through all of the ups and downs, all the twists and turns......all the for better and worse moments.......the one truth I held onto....held near to my heart .....was my position in my husband's heart and his love and loyalty to me.......no matter what came our way.......... and in the end that just wasn't true.....now some of what has happened can be chalked up to other things....things that aren't so simple, not so straightforward, not so black and white, and perhaps don't indicate a lack of love in every sense of the word............I do know he loves me.........to the best of his ability to do so in this moment.........however in my journey I have been forced to be really honest with myself.....brutally honest....and realize that my position in my marriage.......my position with my husband......my place in his heart......just simply wasn't what I thought it was.......there is no way it could have been if I am sitting here.........just typing that makes my heart physically ache........to understand that I was mislead.........made to believe that my position in my life was something it wasn't......is excruciatingly painful......and in that realization the implications are endless......the feelings endless........the heartache endless.........especially because his position in my life was always steadfast and true.......there was never another.....never a glance toward another man.......never a desire for another man............never any wavering of my love and heart to him........even when the going got bumpy......even when our vehicle got pulled to the side, off to the shoulder, in the weeds.......... and we had to wrestle it back onto the highway.....even then, my heart remained steadfast and true........so to learn that my position was not the same, is perhaps the heaviest blow of all........to have to be honest with myself and tell the truth.....the cold, the hard, the ugly truth that I wasn't that important in the end to the man I pledged forever with.....the man that promised to honor our vows all the days of our lives is just so so sad......To realize that at this moment in time he doesn't understand my worth.........my value in this world........that my love wasn't honored by him.......not protected by him.........and most certainly my loyalty wasn't matched...... that is an incredibly large and painful pill to swallow........however I do truly believe that that it is the story for now.....for today.....for this moment in time.......and that perhaps in the future.........the realization will come to find him......the realization of all he has lost......of all I was.....of all I offered........of the love I gave him all these years.......and my steadfast loyalty........of the fact that perhaps he truly felt differently than what he has told himself in this moment.....and when that realization comes it will most certainly be too little too late..........it just will be.........it already is...........
jperuso
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