It has been about two months since the earthquake hit our lives.....the kids and I have found our way into a new rhythm in our lives.....a routine is emerging, some consistency, some predictability.......the missing piece doesn't seem so missing anymore, not so glaringly obvious, not so absent.......it just sort of is.......it feels good to find that spot, feel the chaos of those earlier days settle some......... but it makes me wonder, does he wonder? I am guessing from all I am learning these days about "his new normal" he didn't think much of us at all when he left on that Thursday night, even less than I thought at the time.......which is still so shocking to me......I am not sure the shock of discovering what he has been capable of will ever fully leave me or my soul......it circles back around endlessly, almost constantly.........it is by far the part of this that challenges me the most......like really how could you? And learning the whys of it and coming up with the theory I have makes it even more unbelievable.....what he has given up vs the life he is living now.......just defies all logic......however I am reminded in those moments we are all on OUR OWN journey......and there are not truer words and I am guessing the point is we will meet others, love others and never be able to comprehend their journey.......and it isn't up to us I suppose to do so........So I wonder if he wonders how his family is doing with all he left us? Does a spot come to find him often too.......the disbelief, the shock, the awe too.......the absence of us.......hard to say at this point.......the thing I do KNOW is if he were my husband of once upon a time he would be wildly proud of each of us.....all we have accomplished and marvel at what has happened here since he left.......he would be overcome with that pride letting it radiate from him......yeah the once upon a time guy would of totally gotten it.....understood all of this......appreciated it all.......what we have done........maybe he is still in there somewhere.....maybe he will get it one day.......maybe he won't....... and either way has to be OK at this point.......so as I stand here reflecting on the last two months of my life...........two months that feels like 6 months......I marvel at all the kids and I have accomplished, at our resilience, our determination, our love, just all of it........there is no doubt he is missing out, not the other way around.......the new life that is emerging for us is a beautiful one.....a peaceful and calm one.......it has notes of the old life....the old life we adored so very much.......and the three of us will carry those things with us always, but we have added pieces that are uniquely the three of us....forging ahead......embracing what is....making the best of the hand we have been dealt and playing those cards with intention and love.........
jperuso
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