I have been blessed, considering all I have been through....to have found the peace and joy I have.....and my kids do OK in the day to day.....have healed a great deal.......but the fact remains they carry deep wounds....ones that I get to see from the front row.....and last night was one such night.....I had late conferences and Gabe's concert was rescheduled.....so his dad and his girlfriend offered to take him which was great.....and after they all came home....Mads fell apart.....saying heartbreaking things......sobbing in my arms.....for over a half an hour......why did her dad leave??......why did he leave her??......doesn't he love her??......why won't he leave his girlfriend's house and come home with her hamster??.....why can't it be the four of us??......why did it all happen??.....and I have heard some of it before but last night she just kept saying it hurts so bad mom.....and that just shattered me.....because I know that kind of pain.....that physical heartache....deep and wide.....unrelenting.....and there is nothing to do about it....but admire its size and strength.....and understand it is a force to be reckoned with....it broke me to hear her say it....knowing what she was experiencing in that moment....that deep heartache and not being able to stop it........I validated it all....told her that her dad and I are crazy about her.....and that grown up stuff is complicated, and that one day she will understand better.....that we never meant for her to hurt this much.....that sometimes even if things happen that we didn't want to they can become even better things.....that we all carry scars on our hearts.....all of us....and that when I lost my sister that made a scar on my heart.....and we learn to carry our scars in the day to day.....and that what has happened will be part of her scar......she quieted some and listened to that.....and it made sense to her.....to know she is not alone.....that we all have heartache and scars.....I just kept reassuring her over and over and absorbing all her pain.....and trying to help her wade through its strength and have it not swallow her up.....she laid in my arms and fell asleep......and I stared at the ceiling for a long time....holding my baby girl.........marveling at the pain that still surges through my child's little body.....and feeling so heartbroken about that fact......and knowing that she doesn't share that stuff with her dad.....afraid to hurt him......and deciding that I am sharing it this time with him.....the reality of her heartache....and what lies beneath her cheerful and happy exterior......not to be forgotten that pain lives there.....and will all of her life.....I told her that......that this pain won't ever fully go away.....that it will become a part of her....she will learn to find a way to have it settle in.....but the level of torture it is as a mother to endure moments like these......takes my breath away......just so so painful.......and my eternal prayer is that my children find the peace that I have......find a place to put it all, like I have....are able to reconcile their grief and loss.....and find their way on the other side of it all in a real way....and I am committed every day to helping them do that.....to hold space for them and their pain.....to have them know they are not alone....that there is nothing they cannot say or share......and no matter how painful it is to hear, I will sit with them in all of it and absorb whatever I can.....and I will work tirelessly to put them in situations that help them find peace and joy too......so that they can learn, as I have, that those things are an inside job.....not dependent on outside stuff but those gifts lie within.....and until they learn to channel it for themselves I will wrap my arms around them and share mine.......
jperuso
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