Yesterday was one of those heavier feeling days.....I was hanging with my family.....my kids are with their dad.....and my cousins and their families were there.....and gosh if they are not so sweet and perfect.....they have such sweet little families, and lovely marriages, and it really warms my heart.....it is so great to see, and their children are just the sweetest......and in catching up, two of the major things I have had come find me the last couple of months surfaced in conversation, quite by accident, and it was not my intent to speak about either, but they came up....and tears filled my eyes, and my voice caught twice......and it made me realize some more of the heartache I am carrying....that I wasn't realizing fully, till it was right there.....when you are strong, and rally, and move on when things arise, sometimes the price you pay is that latent kind of feelings that lie right below the surface.....and that is what happened for me.....a moment of realizing that I have endured a lot as of late, and really for so long, and it is rough......and that I have more wounds to contend with .......and then I also was feeling the absence of my kids so deeply.....missing them and wishing they were there too......and feeling the loss of my marriage and family deeply.......wishing it had all gone in a completely different way.......And nobody ever makes me feel like the odd man out in those situations.....it is my own challenge.......I just find that being in them pokes it in a way that I don't normally experience it.....the absence feeling more profound......and touching me more deeply......and so.....I recognize as that comes to call.....and acknowledge it......letting it roll over me and feeling it......and sometimes it is uncomfortable....I would be lying if I said otherwise.....but it is something I need to be doing to heal further......experience the reality, and remembering, and move through it......and then I went to a birthday party for my friend, also couple laden and felt the feels......sometimes things just are.....and no way around that.....but yesterday made me realize I have some unpacking to do in terms of those recent situations.....and I have not been doing therapy regularly any longer for awhile....and haven't needed it. That being both my assessment and my therapist's lol:) However I do seek a session once in awhile when I am in need.....and so I did that.....and am hoping to connect with him soon to unpack some stuff, and process what I need to to navigate what has come up for me......So that is what I shall do....Life is such a magnificent symphony of the good and the bad......the beautiful and the ugly.....the transcendental and the earthly limitations......the light and the dark......and so many shades and things in between........and my power and peace has been in embracing it all.....every bit of it as it comes.....and not limiting myself by allowing the holding on of the gifts I have found be based on circumstance......but using the circumstance to drive those things deeper within me.......hanging onto them fiercely as the storms come......always.....Amen......Happy Sunday!
jperuso
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