Once upon a time all things holiday season was my bliss.....just rolling from September through New Year's in bliss.....trying to do all the festive things, and decorate my space to match it all.....and I still do.....but it is more challenging.....These months are still tainted some for me.....they are the time of year when more than one fallout happened throughout his affair....during multiple years......and they were brutally heavy months to carry under that weight....and our body remembers.....even if we don't want to.....fall is my favorite and maintaining those feelings about it in the aftermath requires me to work through the feelings that come to threaten my peace and joy.....and my bliss .......during these months.....In my marriage I felt I was always fighting to preserve the holiday spirit amid an adversarial force.....not always but definitely sometimes..........so each year as this time comes I fight to regain more of it again.....as my own.....and lay the heavy memories to rest.....letting the ghosts of it all swirl around but try not to give it my attention or air time.....and it isn't easy.....it is a part of the story....and one I cannot deny....and these months found me going through so much, so much I couldn't share at the time with anybody....or at least it felt like that....only allowing a few people to know my truth.....and each fall....my body feels that some.....the remembering of it.....the weight of it.....and I work hard to work through it.....so I am shifting this October.....determined to enjoy each day.....each day surrounded by those beautiful colors and trees.....and know that it is up to me to reclaim my favorite season, and lay the ghosts to rest.....and each year that has passed it has lessened....it truly has.....and it begins to fades into the background....but I would be lying if I said I didn't still feel the remnants of it.......it is so crazy how that happens......trauma....it is a real thing.....and I share all of this always to let people know that it is OK to feel how you do....there is no timeline on when you should be "over it" or how you need to navigate it.....that is your journey....and your timeline.....and we should never feel or be made to feel ANY way for ANY of it.....we didn't choose the things that traumatized us.....but we get to choose our healing.....so for me October is the roughest one....and each one that passes I try to work toward more and more healing, and more intentional movement toward reclaiming it as my own....and only my own.....but it takes time....it truly does...and I give myself that too....time and grace....on repeat.....one step at a time....one day at a time.....one holiday season at a time......Happy Saturday!
jperuso
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