I am not sure I will ever be able to come to terms with who you turned out to be in the end......in the final act of our marriage.......like ever.......my brain wants a clean answer.....some kind of answer to make it all make sense, and the harder my brain tries the less I seem to be able to find one.......it is so hard to believe that the man you are now was the same man that brought Gabe into the world with me, at my side through thick and thin with him........the same man that took care of me after I had Mads.......the same man that made me feel so safe most of our marriage, in so many ways, whose sense of humor felt like oxygen to me at one point in our lives.........like all was right in the world if I stood close enough to you........the same man that rocked our babies, played on the floor, would often intuitively meet a need in me that I hadn't even realized I had had yet........do kind and sweet gestures that you knew would make me so happy or light me up..........yeah that guy is now this guy........and the difference is beyond stark......and if I live to be 100........I will never be able to wrap my head around that.......and it sends me spinning each time I think too hard on it.......like where did you go Nick? Where are you inside there? What happened to you.......? What demons did you let take you over in nearly every single way........like really? It is a hugely humbling and life changing experience to watch "your person" disintegrate before your eyes, and become a person you no longer recognize. Like they died truly, and have been replaced by a stranger......they are walking......living.......breathing.......and vaguely resembling your person, but they are clearly gone.....the soul and essence of them have vanished.........I cannot even describe fully what it feels like to witness.......after 20 years.........and how profoundly sad it is for me.........and maybe it is the ultimate lesson for me.......because my belief in others is so strong.....I choose to see the good in people and let their less desirable traits take a back seat......and sometimes I may not be viewing a person in their entirety......choosing to see the good......looking for the good.....clinging to that good in them and hoping that the rest falls away.....and I am guessing that may be something I need to examine in me.......and check to be sure my assessment is accurate, and maybe learn to see the whole of a person more clearly in the future........and I am trying to do that.......there is an inherent good that exists in Nick......I believe that with my whole heart.......I have seen it and felt it many times in my life.....and I believe that he can find his way back to that part of him.....but not without a ton of humility, work, and a gritty desire to do just that......and sometimes I am not sure the call will come to him before it is too late.....or at all.......or that he can even hear it anymore......and as I watch the spiral now......and try to reconcile the spiral guy with the man that was the love of my life........it is a push and a pull in me......to try and put it in its place in my heart........to balance those two things......who he was.......who he is......who he is now..........all tugging at me in so many different directions.......making me wonder what was real.......or what was a mirage........or what was true.........and what was a lie.......all of it swimming in me........like a puzzle with the pieces constantly moving.......ever changing........not clean lined and simple......not even close.........and maybe it just is.......maybe an explanation is never to be found and acceptance of that simple yet complicated fact may be the answer.......maybe I will never know what took Nick........what made him lose the best parts of himself.......and just accept that I will truly never see "him" again.........
jperuso
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