So it is true that I have adapted to my circumstance in a very real and functional way.....doing my best to transform tragedy into something meaningful....something more than just a tragic and sad story.....and I think I have done that, at least it feels that way to me.....and that I have taken to my new life in a very real way too......enjoying so much of it as I chart my path........but the truth is......the Jenn that arrived in this world wasn't built for this story.....she was built for happily ever after.....ride or die.....forever and ever......little old lady, beside her little old man.....watching her grandchildren play in the yard.....and holding hands into our twilight years......the stuff that getting a divorce requires of me is so far beyond my wheelhouse it is like wandering in a foreign country.....all of it not coming naturally......challenging me......requiring much of me.....it is not my natural inclination to live in this space.....and maybe that is the point......maybe this situation came to find me to shove me so hard.....so violently.........and so far out of my comfort zone I had no choice but to grow the wings I have been flying around on or hit the ground at the speed of sound......just maybe......sometimes it feels that way......but some days I am keenly aware of the ways this is and it feels so uncomfortable to me......and it is so challenging........when those times come......it becomes so clear that it is still so hard for me to believe that this is in fact my life......never to be mended in this lifetime.....forever left in this space......and it breaks my heart in ways that are hard to describe......because truth is.....I was crazy about my husband not all that long ago.......loved him fiercely......and now he is gone.......never to return to my life......and despite my feelings changing for him now.....and my understanding that he is no longer meant for me......I would not want him back beside me in that way....not ever again, it doesn't lessen the sting of what we once had......it just doesn't.....and it is all so complicated.....not clean lined.....not easy to wander through.....and understand.....just endless complications.....and struggles.....to find a way to place it in your mind and heart.....find a comfortable spot to lie it down in.....and maybe I won't ever......I have pondered that.....maybe there will be uncomfortable days forever......that is hard to think of or accept.....sometimes it makes me feel a little panicky that this is the way it will stay......that our family is really gone......that part just slays me......on repeat......bringing with it grief.......and hurts my heart in ways that are hard to describe......and all of this I carry around.....amid the pandemic amid the complications we all face in life.....and I say this not for pity or to even to lament.....just an awareness and acknowledgement that some days are heavy.....they just are....and yesterday was one such day.....a heavy one......and the weight that I carry feels heavy on my shoulders....and it would help if I could lay it down.....but there is no safe place to lay it.....so I just keep carrying it.....because I must......and other days it doesn't feel heavy at all......I feel light and buoyant, and like I have stamina and strength for days.... grief is such a funny thing like that.....the way it ebbs and flows......the strong days and the weaker ones.....like waves in the ocean......coming and leaving.....on repeat......Although every day I show up......ready to ride the one that is meeting me when I open my eyes.....truth is I will carry a broken heart all of my days.....I know that.......it will never fully leave me......and living with that knowledge is hard some days......hope the harder days get lighter as I travel.....I suspect they will....and I will continue to be grateful for the light days....and for the lessons this experience brings to my experience in this life.....every single day......this morning feels lighter.......I am grateful.......
jperuso
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