I wrote the other day about 24 hours.....and taking the time I need to clear my thoughts and respond versus react in my current situation.....and I held to it, and did that.....response not reaction......but all of it has gotten me thinking about the fact that nobody knows......even the people that know most of the details of my life, still don't know......know what it requires of me to live in this story.....to have this be my reality......and while I have written about so much, there is an undercurrent that I do not write about, that is wildly challenging.......and sometimes the magnitude of this situation feels as if it is drowning me......the magnitude of living in this story indefinitely, as my kids grow, and we share custody, and navigate all of the in between, with such poor communication being our reality......it is so so challenging......and it is in the intense moments, when I am aware that what I am being called to do is ACCEPT......accept that THIS IS MY LIFE.......there is no other story at the moment.....no way to change what is......I just need to accept it all.....and work through the things I need to, and address anything that needs to change......but the discomfort of it all is a part of the deal.....it just is.......and obviously if I had my wish...... he and I would never speak again, and I would have nothing to do with him again.....and as I type that this morning it sounds like bliss.....but that is not a possibility, as we share two young people......and all I have ever wanted is to bridge the gap between us, and make this situation tolerable, since we have to be here.....finding a way to make it more pleasant......and sometimes it is OK.....and I have found some of that with his girlfriend and I, but not so much him.......and I am grateful I do not feel the drowning often......many many days, and in most of my life, this situation takes up such a small slice of my life, and remains in its proper place and perspective, and I get to be free to live my life on my terms without its effects......however sometimes things arise, that make me realize the heavy nature of the story I am living in.......and when I thought of it and worked toward acceptance this week, and not railing against what is, it became clear to me, that nobody really knows......we all live in stories.....heavy story lines......they may not be the same, but they all have a particular set of circumstances and details, unique to them, that the rest of us don't know and don't understand.....add to that the individual nature of us all, and how we perceive the world.....all of our different levels of sensitivities, resilience, and tolerance.....and well we are all kinda on our own......and the last couple a days.....particularly yesterday, made me realize there are things surfacing that I need to take a look at and work to accept......yesterday felt very planetary driven, like the planets were bringing deep themes for me to examine from all angles......in fact..... so much so....that I plan on texting my astrology gal to confirm:) So I believe that the drowning feeling comes to visit us all at certain points in our stories.........being divorced, losing a child, being a mother of an addicted child, being estranged from loved ones, being a caregiver, being lonely, being in an unhappy marriage, etc etc etc......the list of stories we live in is endless.....and when the intensity amps up, and the heaviness finds us.......I believe our power lies in the acceptance of what is.....releasing all that isn't.........and finding a way to make peace with what is in front of us.....seeking to control what we can, and release what we can't......because I have learned our happiness DEPENDS on just that......the acceptance......and letting "my story" ruin MY LIFE just isn't an option for me......I live in this story, I have no choice, but it doesn't get the power to diminish or ruin my life.......... it just doesn't.......my power resides in my mindset......and I plan on doing the work, that has been brought to me this week, to harness that power, and get my head straight to navigate this hurdle and move beyond this challenge......and embrace whatever lessons will be found on the other side:)
jperuso
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