You know you ride along on this divorce journey....and months go by, years even, and it fades into the background......taking its rightful place......not in the front row of life.....just as a part of the worn tapestry that becomes our lives....but in a moment....there it is.....I came down with a pretty cruddy sinus ear thing on Wednesday night.....I have some issues with my one sinus and ear from time to time, and I think the elevation and the damp weather kinda sent it over the edge into an ear infection....and I felt pretty cruddy yesterday.....I got meds and am feeling somewhat better this morning......but not great.....and I gotta drive my kiddos home.....no stunt double, just me......"if it will be it is up to me" in its purest form.....and it made me think for a minute....that if I were here, in another lifetime, with my husband....this challenge wouldn't be one.....I would be in the passenger seat.....kicking it back and snoozing on the way home......and even thinking of that seems so foreign and faraway.......and there were other moments during this week that made me see the contrast to that statement.....our week has been peaceful and easy because that is not so.......and I don't say that to diminish my ex.....I really don't.....it was just a fact that traveling wasn't always easy for him, and in turn some of that stress would find me, and color the experience......he wasn't so much a go with the flow kinda personality....and I am not sure he would have enjoyed much of what we did this week.....and the kids and I....and my parents loved it......so.......and I also don't mention the him driving me part as a way to use him lol:) To have that be such a shallow reason to bring it up.....I guess it was the larger theme.....the forever pull that lives inside of me between being fiercely independent and capable.....and wishing somebody had my back, or had really had my back once upon a time, so when I needed to I could fall into that.....but as I said....no stunt double.....so I have no doubt I will be fine today....I am sipping on tea and coffee....taking my meds.....and rallying myself to do just that....put on my tunes and let the road take us home.....It is an 8 hour trip......more with stops.....and I can do hard things so;-) My tag line I use so often to remind me:)....reminding me that I can do the things I don't always want to.....when I have to.....I guess I just write this because sometimes.......sometimes.....it gets tiring to be THE one.....all the time, and not having a soft place to fall.....I was grateful to my parents yesterday to hang with the kids, and take them out for our last full day, and grab my perscriptions and some provisions and I took a nap, and relaxed and it was lovely....to feel cared for like that......and as I have said many times....and will again....MOST of the time....I truly love this life with all of my heart.....do not misunderstand....I mean that so completely.......being fiercely me and independent in all the ways......lights me up....but every once in awhile....I am reminded.....that whale sighting.....a piece of grief and acknowledgement......and seeing her back surface....and today as I embark on a long journey under the weather.....thar she blows......:) However our next stop is PA!!!! Feeling so very grateful for a lovely few days away in such an amazing place with my favorite people, getting to see such beauty! And that getting sick held off for most of it:) And on any given day I am WAY too blessed to be stressed:)
jperuso
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