It struck me when I posted the other day about getting my loan to finally finish my kitchen that there might have been a pocket of people judging me, or hating on me for putting that out there and saying the part about him leaving me with the kitchen that way......and I know people judge what people "put out there".......but here is the thing......OWNING your truth.....like really owning it......even when it is ugly......or embarrassing........or any other myriad of things.......is SO powerful.......when my ex had begun his affair and I found out the first time....I hid in the shadows of it.....only telling a few people......because I was ashamed....ashamed of the story he had begun to spin for us....and I felt like it was a reflection of me....and I did not want the version of my life, and my story to be shattered.....and let me tell you something...... the hiding.........the tiptoeing around it........was exhausting.....absolutely exhausting.....and toxic........and when I decided a few days after the end of my marriage, to start blogging it, and found my brave and made a post about his leaving.....EVERYTHING changed......no more shadows.....just radiant light shining in my darkness.....support and love showing up to help me ride the waves in my new life, so I get that sometimes it is uncomfortable for other folks.....my public journey through this.....but it is NEVER uncomfortable for me.....never.....I have become comfortable amid the initial discomfort....I used to wince when I would hear people begin to speak badly of him in the aftermath......it was SO uncomfortable to watch his image shatter....and hear what people were thinking about all of what he was doing and had done......but eventually I was able to accept it.....and own that too....and make peace with some of that, and just let it be.....working toward reconciling my own image of him....my own version of what happened....and wrapping my arms around it....and accepting it....and I get that truth can be uncomfortable.....I really do....especially if you are not used to facing it, or living it in your own life...and image is paramount or even just surviving in the shadows.....but owning truth is where true liberation is found.....and I have taken heat for putting my truth out there, I have.....but I am not sorry....and never will be....it is has been the best decision I have made....without a doubt.....and it resonates still daily, weekly, often with people.....and that is why I do it.....to let others know they are not alone:) And ultimately I did not write the beginning of THIS story.....he did.....and it is not my responsibility to protect what he chose to do or not do....it just isn't......I spent a lot of years covering for people in my life.....sugar coating....placating stuff....and I will never do that again.....the truth is the truth....that's it.....It is curious that I have been made the villain in some people's eyes for saying the truth....those people preferring me to be quiet and go away in this story....and well....that won't happen.....because this is MY story too....and I have worked hard to tell it, and own it with grace, and tact, and a delicate hand.....and I am proud of the job I have done considering some of what has happened.....but yeah.....I am not tiptoeing......not ever again.....I stand with both feet firmly planted on the ground in my story, and make no apologies about it.....none:) Happy Wednesday:)
jperuso
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