So I have had a big week of deep realizations.......and in addition to letting go of the girlfriend piece of this story I have let go of another piece.......Since the beginning of this journey I have felt the need to have Nick and I sit down to talk......for me to hear his remorse....his understanding for all he has done to me.......hear his side.........to feel heard and seen by him in the aftermath of it all......as I type this today I no longer feel that way......the truth is he has made no attempt to do that in a year.....most of his actions toward me do not ring true of remorse, or of showing an understanding of all of the pain and suffering I have endured......even when he witnesses it........so there is no point......even if we sat down and he looked me in the face and said I am so so sorry Jenn for hurting you and looked like he meant it, it won't change any of it and it won't be nearly enough to combat all that has happened.....like a grain of sand in the wind.......so it feels like there is no point now.......it feels good to let that part go too.....to not need it......to understand that I am whole and good and healing on my own each and every day....not waiting for somebody else to heal me........not waiting for anything anymore......I think what I will do is type a letter to him expressing all I need to.....and not give it to him, just keep it as a purge of my heart and soul.....and maybe print it and burn it and let it go.......think that would be very healing and may be wise.....I am fairly certain that as long as he remains in the relationship he is in I would be waiting a long time anyway....there is hope perhaps that one day beyond that he may come to me with his remorse but as I said I no longer care about it as I once did.....now having said that......I am not closed off for offering him the opportunity if the situation presented itself.......I believe in the process of all of that deeply and the power that can sometimes be found in that space.....but as for waiting for it......betting on it......hoping for it....that is over......for me......I don't need him to do that anymore for me.......sometimes when I think of the weight, and massive amount of hurt he has laid on me, it is kind of hard to wrap my head around.......I don't say that to bash him....just as TRUTH......he has done A LOT to me, and a lot that is unforgivable in my mind at this point......and I don't say that lightly either....I believe in forgiveness too......but there are some things that challenge that belief in me......and I am working on that.....for me.......but the amount of hurt he has inflicted on me is immense.......and I am often so grateful I am as strong as I am.....if I had been a more fragile human it could have broken me for good......truly......so this weekend did feel like a new beginning......and I am taking it as such.......hoping brighter days are ahead......I will be kind and nice to him for my children.....always for my children.......but in terms of where my heart lies for all he has done that is a separate matter, and work for another day...... but more importantly......never mind Nick......too little too late.......I am good......I can acknowledge and validate my own pain.........I don't need you to do it for me......I just don't.....and that feels pretty darn good.......
jperuso
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