So many things could fill that sentence but what is on my mind this morning is that statement and how it pertains to love......that couple I wrote about yesterday from Bethel really touched my heart, clearly:) but also gave me some food for thought......realizing that I have never been loved LIKE THAT.......I am the type of person that shows my love via acts of service....I seek to have people feel cozy and cared for.....I brought my ex coffee in bed nearly every day for 20 years......I would venture to say I might marry a person myself if they would do that for me lol:) Sounds pretty good right lol;-) but in terms of my receiving love in this life, it has been wrought with challenges.....always.....never clean lined and pure, like what I witnessed the other night.....and I have expressed this before....and I guess it brought all of that back to the surface......obviously bringing clarity to what I seek, but it was more than that.....it made me really feel like it will be challenging for me to RECEIVE love someday....like that kind of real and pure love.....I think what has happened for me is that I go overboard doing all the things.....and the other person does less and less for me as time goes on, because I take on so much.......which then causes emotional problems and distance for me, and resentment, and then enter dysfunction on both sides....and I guess too I have never been with a "giver"......there are most definitely people that are more comfortably giving in this life and some that are more comfortable taking.....and I do not mean to say my ex did not give me things, or acts of service too, he did......I just mean in a more balanced sense.....and what is actually in somebody's nature.......it was not his inherent nature to give, or be a "giver" like it is for me.....and let's face it....givers get taken advantage of.....and thinking of functioning in a relationship where somebody is giving as much as I am freaks me out some if I am honest lol:) I will have to adjust and get better at receiving......thinking of somebody cooking for me, or doing dishes, or doing those things on a regular is kinda hard to fathom......as silly as that sounds....and it is the spaces where we make another feel cared for where intimacy and love grows.....my dad does the dishes.....you can count on him to jump up, after a meal and take care of dishes....and it is a lovely way to care for myself or my mom depending where we are eating:) and I own that maybe part of it is my fault too.....in the past my expecting less and less.....and allowing myself to be treated in ways that did not honor myself either......teaching a person how to treat me.....I am working on that too:) I guess seeing that couple made me realize that balance needs to exist....one person can't give enough to make up for another person not giving......it just doesn't work.....and in my past relationship the balance of that increasingly got worse, year by year, and at the end forget it.....it was so imbalanced.....and it is easy to say I want somebody to do x,y, and z in a relationship....but when you are not used to any of those things....the receiving can be just as difficult......I know when I finally do have a relationship, there will be work to do......especially when you come into it post apocalypse types things.....and the key is to remain self aware.....honest with yourself and your partner....and open to the possibilities of it all......and I plan on doing that and more.......I wish that couple I saw many more years of mad love....I truly do......and am grateful to them for sparking some thought, and self examination in me:) They inspired me indeed! :) Happy Monday! It is Vacation Bible Camp for my kids, they are super excited:)
jperuso
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