My voice...........

I have always been fairly direct in my life with the people that matter. Trying my best to communicate with those I care for, and find mutual understanding if at all possible. Much of my life though was spent tiptoeing around lots of things, and not fully using my voice, afraid of what others would think or where it would get me. However in this journey I have really found my voice. I no longer care what others glean from my truth or don't. I know that those that are meant to get it will and the others will fall away. I have accepted that truth. There is price for speaking your truth fully. You most definitely lose people when you do that........ When I think of how much change has occurred in me in that regard in a short amount of time it is kind of unbelievable to think of. When I think of the meekness that was inside of me when I first discovered his affair, and how every part of me wanted to hide it away. Only opening up to a few people in my life to survive it, knowing now many others must have known, even if I didn't tell them. Flashing forward to the woman I am today, a woman who was willing to share her husband's affair on social media, unashamed and confident in her choice. Understanding that there is power in owning your story. Speaking your truth. No matter what that truth is. Understanding that some people won't understand it. Will talk behind your back, mock your truth, or just simply turn away. And all of that is OK........it just is.......I have fully accepted that my authentic self these days is not for everybody. It pokes some folks, a spot in them that maybe yearns to be more authentic and just can't right now, so my being so bold and forward in mine provokes them. It is OK. It is human nature. I have learned a bunch in therapy and that is certainly a fundamental truth. Our truth most definitely provokes other's demons. Nature of it all. So if I sense a lack of understanding from somebody, I no longer take that personally. I realize it is more about them than me and they are learning and growing in their truth too. I remember as a little girl struggling to fit in. I was nerdy, a deep thinker......... Feeling misunderstood most of the time. Getting bullied for those things and for my red hair. Which is crazy to think of now, that a hair color could put a target on your back, but it did. So it took me a long time to find my way. I felt uncomfortable a lot. Not able to speak my truth. Or able to fully relate to my peers the way I wanted to. Feeling quiet and misunderstood. I did have a core group of fellow nerds that were my people and roamed the streets of Matamoras with me. But socially I felt awkward for a long time.......I think of that little girl sometimes. She should have believed in herself more. She should have had more confidence. She should have so much........she would be proud of me. Cheering me on! I watch Madeline and she is so much further along in all of that then I was at her age. I am so grateful for that......she uses her voice already. Speaks up......we talk about those things a lot. I hope watching me be authentic every day, frees her to do the same. I think it came down to a simple notion for me. When he left and it all came crashing down, I had nothing left to lose. Only one direction to go. So I went ALL in, and haven't looked back:)