Sometimes throughout this journey I have had some of my unhealed spots poked and prodded, based on situations I have found myself in...... and they step forward to show themselves......and I realize in that moment that they still exist, and in some spaces I am not as far along as I would like to be, or think I am sometimes.......and it doesn't discourage me in the way it once might have.....it keeps me eager and committed to the "work" that I do......that is what my therapist calls it....and he is always so complimentary about all of the hard work I have done through this, and how brave I have been to face it all and find a way to move through it......because the moving through, "the work", all of it is sort of an abstract thought......what does it mean to do those things? Hard to articulate fully......I think for me it means to be really present in my emotions.....not numbing them away......not ignoring them.... giving them all a voice.....even if I think they are not worthy of it, or maybe I think they should have moved along already.....even then.....especially then.......so as my unhealed stuff comes forward.....I invite it in....sitting down with it......listening to what it has to say.....and honoring its existence.....its presence in this story.....and the fact remains if I don't do these things now......the same rearing of ugly heads will happen......and perhaps down the road, to come and mess up something that I don't want to be messed up.......so by accepting it all now......and doing the work I am.......I am hopeful it will allow me to move forward in a real way.....finally and fully......and that theory seems to be a sound one.......I think there are themes that we carry in our lifetime.......ones that shape shift depending on the circumstances that are provoking them......but they are universal truths......"I am not good enough"......"I will never be loved well"......"People cannot be trusted"........and I am not saying I carry these necessarily, and if I have in the past I have been able to lay them down......but sometimes even if we think we are done with a theme.......it may pop up again.....unexpectedly......and we have to look it in its eye again and honor its voice.......the work can be tiring.....and sometimes extremely painful.....but what I know......with a strong certainty......it is ALWAYS worth it.....ALWAYS.....worth the bravery and strength it requires to do it.....so I gladly do it when it comes up because I know it is paying off every day in my life......in the joy and peace I have found.....and because I know in my future life the work I have been brave enough to do will pay off then too.......so I let my demons come......and then I will slay them.......each and every day:)
jperuso
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