Today is my sister's birthday in heaven........ my sister would have been 36 years old.....it is mind blowing to think of......the last time I saw her alive she was 18.......forever 18........in my mind...... she and I were not very similar in very many ways.....and our age difference was huge.....when I was 18 she was 8.....so it made some of my teenage years more challenging relating to her and having the relationship I wish we had in some ways.....but when she was small I was her mother hen.....doting on her and treating her as if she were mine......she was so darn cute.....and spunky.....and creative, and a little wild indeed;-)...... her zest for living and living fast was always palpable.....as if somewhere her spirit knew she had to cram it all in as fast as possible.......because time would be running out......when I got the call from my mom the morning of her passing, dying in a car accident, it was so hard to believe......because I had seen her a few days prior on my birthday.....and when I went to leave she hugged me......then we went to break away and she hugged me again......hard..........again as if her soul knew.......she spent the final days of her life visiting with and speaking to those that were close to her heart.....saying her goodbyes without knowing.......that she was saying goodbye.......she was crazy about Nick when she met him, thought I was so lucky to have him......her luck in love had not been so fortunate at the time, and I too had wished somebody like him would come into her life......and I think of that sometimes now.....how nice it would be if she were here to walk this path with me.....as women.....and wonder what her journey would have been like.....and what she thinks now after all that has happened and has she has watched my whole marriage unfold and end from heaven.......and it came to me today to include her in my blog because the loss of her felt and feels very much like the loss I just endured......like it was the precursor in my life, a road map of sorts on how to travel deep pain, suffering, and loss......and I certainly suffered when I lost her.....in similar ways to now......feeling my heart literally break......and my soul's hit in a physical way......and I would like to think having gone through that kind of pain prepared me some for going through what I have now......and how to navigate the kind of grief that will never leave you........because it won't......the loss of her has never left me and I know my marriage and family will be added to that place in me......I sometimes wonder too as she looks down from heaven on me and what she is thinking.....my life has not been easy since she has been gone.....seems for a bit it was one thing after another......and then now this.......and sometimes I can feel her energy above......caring for me.....being sympathetic to my plight......or now these days cheering me on.....happy to see that I have turned a corner and am seizing the opportunity I have been given.....but I always feel her there not too far away........in all I do and everywhere I go.......Happy Birthday sweet Stacey....... your life and love lives on each and every day........till we meet again my sweet sister......
jperuso
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