I was all up in my feels last night as I was taking to them to their dad's house, telling them how proud I am of them. and how amazing they are both doing in school and life.....and I am just so grateful to call them mine......and how much I love them both.......On this journey so many people have shared such kind words or messages to me.....telling me how well I have walked this path......and it is so appreciated, all the support I have gotten gives me strenght indeed.....but my kids have also done well at overcoming their adversity and healing, and all of it, and it makes me so proud.......I have written about Mads and her reluctance for me to date.....she has not wanted me to even entertain it....and recently she has come around.....I have a good friend that she is aware of....a friend that has been around and that she knows some too.....and maybe I will get around to dating him at some point, that remains to be seen lol;-) but her permission for me to date she tells me only extends to him lol:) And I am proud of waiting all this time till we were all ready for me to get out there some..... but one night she was sharing her "why" in that.......she told me that since she knows him, and I know him so well that that is good.....because if I were to meet somebody else I would not know if they were "kind with their words and their hands".........and that that is scary to her.......profound right?? And true? Now I want to make it clear, crystal clear, her father NEVER laid a hand on me......NEVER.....so I am not sure why that is in her mind....but she is a DEEP thinker.....which is my bliss....she and I both share a mind that thinks in much the same ways.....and I know sometimes she feels it compared to her friends.....always seeming like the more mature one.....or the little old lady lol.....and I used to feel much the same in elementary school......thinking way too much about stuff kids didn't think about.....and as I have said, many times I have had to adjust to finding ways to manage it all, and find outlets for it all.....and I have, and now understand it so much better.....So Mads and I talk about so much, and I try and process it all with her too....and she just says the most insightful self aware stuff for a 7 year old.....I constantly forget her age, and have since she could talk.....she amazes me truly.....and as I awoke this morning I was awakening from the edge of a dream.....a dream where I was hugging her dad and telling him all about Mads.....all the things I would be telling him about her if he were here and a part of our lives....or even stuff I would share if had the friendship I wish we did.....and I woke up with my heart hurting some....in the absence of that.....the absence of reveling in our amazing kids.....sharing their triumphs and wins.....and what amazing humans they are becoming.....all of it.....and it just seems so sad....and so unnecessary every time it steps to the forefront.....calling to me to accept it as it is.....not long for what likely will never be.....and focus on the gratitude I feel for their resilience and for the resilience the three of us share.....being each other's support and strength as we take on the world party of 3:) I adore them....will all of my heart I do....and my pride and awe of all they have overcome in three years, and thrived past has no bounds truly.......I am a blessed human......and deeply grateful for all of it! Happy Saturday y'all:)
jperuso
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