Yesterday was so interesting.......I went hiking on my own, which I had wanted to do for quite some time......it felt good to get into the woods and clear my head......I sat in the middle of the stream on a rock and ate my lunch.......it was nice.......Then I headed to Gabe's baseball game.......his games have been falling on his dad's weekends consistently.......and his dad used to be really involved in the baseball league and has chosen to do that now which has been really nice for Gabe.......so I went......and Mads was playing with his girlfriend when I got there and Gabe was getting ready to play, and they both greeted me but you could see that it was hard for them to know where to be, with them or with me.......so I kept my distance some, honoring the space that is theirs........I would watch Gabe play some then check in with Mads and his girlfriend on the playground, and it was so surreal to be somewhere where parenting my kids is not my primary role necessarily? I was sorta a bystander.......as the game ended I was talking to some people and hadn't realized they had started walking to the car and I headed to mine and was walking behind the four of them........and that was surreal.......but it was OK.......it is our new life.......I truly have accepted that......and grieved the loss of my family......I really have.....and in that moment it was clear that I have done that........they were headed to a BBQ and I continued my day on my own.....I said goodbye and went on my way......and I felt proud.......it is not an easy situation at all......and I really do have peace and ease inside of it........I don't feel angst or hurt or sadness.......or turmoil.........I just have true acceptance......and know that whatever a situation calls for, that requires me to behave in a way that is best for the health and well being of my kids, I am up for it.......period.......it is for them.......all the places that I push myself .....all the growing and challenging of myself I do, it is all for them......for their comfort......they are not the ones that need to feel guilty, or awkward, or worry about their mom's feelings when they are with their dad.......I want them to feel that I am OK inside our new normal......and truly most times I am.......I suppose the gift is that I don't want my husband or marriage back......I guess if that were the case, or if I felt that that this would be different.....that is a blessing.......and I feel for women where that is the case and they have to walk the path I do......but for me......I know clearly I was freed and blessed by this at this point in my life and that it had to be.....so fighting against it, or feeling jealous......or letting my ego get up in it.......is just unnecessary.......totally unnecessary.........Kids got home around 9 last night, having had a great weekend, and you know what that is all my mama heart can ask for.......and for all of it I am grateful.......just grateful:)
jperuso
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