If it will be it is up to me.....that is a notion and truth I have fully embraced in my new life....if I am going to make something happen it has to be of my own ability to make it happen......and way back when after he left....and we began to settle our assets, and I was able to refinance my house on my own, and stay in it, and pay for it......it felt amazing! I was so grateful that my career, and some financial decisions I had made earlier on had afforded me that opportunity.....and I feel the same this morning......being in a position to pursue a home equity loan, that was approved yesterday, and ready to begin the journey to closing a wound in my home.......for those of you that haven't been reading for long, I will bring you up to speed;-) Three months before my ex husband left me......he and I had torn the kitchen apart, and began a kitchen renovation.......that he never finished.....and he has never taken ownership of.......even though he made the plans with me.....and I still had to give him 50k in equity...........and for nearly 4 years it has remained undone.........I look at it every morning when I come down to make coffee.....and I don't live with the anger of it.....some of the injustice.....but not anger.....over the last few years I have come to accept it....and knowing and trusting deeply there would be a time, and a way that would step forward, and that I would recognize it and seize it.....and well that time has arrived:):) The TIME is NOW.....and it feels wildly powerful to me to be the one designing it and accomplishing it......I told the kids and they cheered and hugged me, and I have been elevated to superhero status;-) it has been a sore spot for them too.....they do not like that their dad left the kitchen like that and has not made good on any of it.....but I have alchemized that fact.....and that narrative and decided to release all of that.....we all have ownership and control over our own role in a story.....and the ways we show up.....or don't.....and that is the only power that exists.....and he made the decision to do the things he has.....and I have too........and so this past week I have decided to begin the movement toward standing in my new kitchen.....and if it comes out as I have pictured.......and designed.....well then it is gonna be SO BEAUTIFUL!!! AND.......all MINE.......almost like it was meant for me to design and do on my own.....not a ghost of the past haunting me....having designed it with him....the design he and I had thought about is not what I am doing.....I have changed so much of it and decided on my own what it will look like! I will also be allowed to help the contractor and cut the cost and learn some new skills, which is exciting:) And it is all these spaces that help me be more confident.....and assured that I will be able to accomplish the hopes and dreams I hold! No matter how long it takes......I have had deep patience in this kitchen process......not becoming angry and impatient.....or frustrated.......just accepting it, and allowing its conception to unfold organically.....and well I believe yesterday when I got the call about the loan that that was that moment of conception! And I am really looking forward to the birth!;-) The day I stand in that kitchen when it is DONE! Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath and knowing that it was done of my own will and power! YiPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Saturday!!
jperuso
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