I had a miscarriage when Gabe was 3 years old.....and it hasn't gotten much air time in my life....it was sort of a big thing that I skirted by at the time for lots of reasons....and it came up yesterday, and I decided it deserved some exploration......finally.....when Gabe was a toddler, and had gotten more settled in his special needs, my ex and I decided we wanted another baby......and around the same time he found out he had cancer....and we ended up having a small window between his surgery and chemo to try....and we got pregnant.....under extreme circumstances.....and I was so elated, thinking it was meant to be, and that pregnancy bringing light in the dark and joy during such a scary time..... and I believed that God had blessed us with this pregnancy under such extreme circumstances....and as the pregnancy progressed in its early phase, it didn't feel quite right to me.....but I had only been pregnant once, so I thought maybe it was different.....and remained positive........I was working at my mom's job in the summer to make extra money because my ex was out of work due to his illness.....and at her work one day I started bleeding and cramping.....and everything about that day has stayed with me.....everything......I knew the pregnancy was ending.....I didn't need a doctor to confirm.....and eventually it passed, and my intuitive feeling confirmed.....I was 8 weeks......and in looking back, due to my ex being sick I had no real time to grieve that....nor did he.....and I didn't feel supported in any direction for what had happened......I remember feeling really alone in it all....and a need to be really strong and just move on.....and due to everything else that was happening we really didn't have much time or energy to process it all....so we just moved on.... .....I was terrified about his cancer, and so worried about losing him, and my energy had to be used for that.....to rally and support him, take care of him, and be strong in the ways I needed to be.....taking care of the stuff that he could not, and so we just rolled on.....and I think of that baby sometimes, who they might have been......and I have had a couple of readings since from mediums, and that baby has come through each time.....as a girl.....a wise girl.....on the other side, cheering for the mother she never got to meet on earth.....and supporting me.....and it is sweet to think of......and it definitely feels to me that it was a girl....but I have no way of knowing.......and it came up yesterday.....the kids and I were driving and Mads asked me if you get to decide how many babies you have....and I said yes.....and she said how? And I told her we would talk about that part another time;-) but I shared with she and Gabe about the sibling that they have in heaven.....and that was the first time I have spoken of it in years......and they were interested in it.....and it just kinda hit me....all at once.....the space I had never created for that loss.....the possibility of having three children.....who she might have been.....and the loss of it all.....and I remembered the sadness I felt at the time, the sadness that didn't have any room.....room to exist in the space I occupied then....keeping all that sadness to myself.....shoving it away.......and thinking of all the challenges and traumas my ex and I endured during our marriage....on repeat.....and yeah.....it just all came back to me....so today I honor and acknowledge the child that never made it into my arms....but lives in my heart.......always.....a child I will meet someday, of that I am sure.........till we meet again sweet baby, your mama loves you xoxo
jperuso
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