I was talking about my kitchen yesterday with somebody, and realizing as I was talking the frustration I feel at it not being done, and still being torn apart nearly two and half years later....and this morning it came to mind to explore it all, as it is sort of my metaphor in this story.....it is something that I have needed to accept.....to make peace with......surrender to on a daily basis, embracing that it is the way it is.....for now......it is a representation of faith......the faith I carry that it will be done someday.....soon.....some way......and I just need to let it all go until then.....it stares me in the face, first thing in the morning......as I make my coffee......my unfinished ceiling......the wires......all of it......and it is hard for me......I like my living space to look nice and my kitchen does not.....for sure......and I thought how much growth occurred in my willingness to hold my women's series here, at my place.....amid my unfinished kitchen.....not worrying about it in a real sense......not being too embarrassed for people to come here......understanding that they will understand.......that is progress......it has also served as a lesson in patience....... and timing......and most days it sort of runs in the background.....going unnoticed......but some days the awareness of it creeps in.....my anger about his tearing it apart with me, dreaming a renovation up with me, and then leaving me with it......like who does that? His lack of feeling any sort of duty or responsibility in it at all.....like really?????..My having to buy him out with it left undone......you get the idea.....but again it all eases into the softer column mostly.....my refusal to stay in spaces, or ruminate about things that cannot be changed, or bring negativity or drama to my life and doorstep, or threaten to ruin my peace......my peace is paramount......really cannot stress that enough......once you achieve peace in your life, the mission to keep it becomes crystal clear......I have sought peace all of my life, and it has eluded me for one reason or another.....and now finally I have created it for myself and my children, and it is not up for grabs by anybody or anything.....even my unfinished kitchen......in the grand scheme of life it is a first world and minor problem.....one that I remain faithful will be solved at some point.....one that is livable.....one that I can accept......for now......so some clarity about it all came this morning as I was waiting for my coffee to brew.....staring up at the insulation.....and understanding that the unfinished kitchen represents more than just missing sheetrock and fixtures.....it represents my willingness to accept things when it is hard.....to believe in things I cannot see.....to hope in the future.......to remain faithful in daily trials.....to forgive transgressions.......to surrender........to do all the things, a human needs to be able to do.....to find peace.......and ultimately I would accept my kitchen never being done to remain in the peace I have found....so yeah there is that......peace is priceless and it doesn't come on the back of granite or stainless steel......it comes from within, from a place that is not dependent upon external stuff at all.....so today I take a deep breath and accept what is......keeping faith in what will be:)
jperuso
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