My kitchen is a daily reminder of what people are capable of.......what the people we trust the most are capable of. It is still undone......under construction......unfinished......and I live with it every day.....have for nearly a year......we had decided to do a kitchen renovation....made the plans......got excited about it.....dreamt of the skylight above the sink we would look out of.......he even mapped it out with wood......on a weekend last November we decided to gut it together......dragging debris to the garage......he framed the cathedral ceiling we had always dreamed of.....and we were on our way......and then in the beginning of January he left.......left me with a kitchen without electrical at that time......which he has since come and done some of.......and the rest totally unfinished......and I share this not in an angry way......or to say I am bothered daily by it, because truth is I have learned to live with it.....but I share it more to marvel at what lies beneath in a person......like who does that? Who plans a kitchen renovation with somebody then does what he did? It is a question that is hard for me to wrap my head around often.......Truth is he lives in a home now with a kitchen in tact......no wires hanging......no unsightly insulation.......nothing undone.......but he decided alongside of me to go forward and make the kitchen the way we always wanted it to be......and now here it is......undone......he would tell you he got hurt in June and that is why it is undone......however the months before that left it undone as well.....he would say he planned on coming back the day after he left us to work on it but I wouldn't let him......which is true.......... my heart was broken and having him here would not have been helpful......he never tried again to come or brought up coming to do it......I knew once he left to be with her his decisions in terms of us would become limited indeed......so here it sits.......and every day when I come down to make coffee and look at it while the coffee is brewing.......I just think like HOW??? Like all the rest....how does a person do the things they do to another human....their human......and live with themselves......It always comes down to that for me......I know I have written about it before....."the how do you live with yourself stuff"........because truth is if I had done 1/4 of what he has done or continues to do.......I couldn't sleep at night.......not a wink....... and I could certainly find no peace......and maybe he doesn't sleep......I know from the time his affair began till the time he left he never slept well.....getting up often, staring at the ceiling.....and I always wondered why.....now I know.... and maybe real peace eludes him.......I would venture to guess yes......I know for certain he doesn't have the peace I have found.......but it isn't a competition......it is just an awareness that I just would never have done that to him..........not ever..........so I try to not let the kitchen poke me......I try to believe that one day it will come together and be done the way it is supposed to be.............the way I decide now.........and that there are far worse things to live with....that is the truth.....my kitchen works.....I can cook......I can function in it........it is just unsightly.....nothing more nothing less......and I tell myself it will be worth the wait too.......that when it finally comes together it will be amazing and I will be so grateful......which I will! :)But for now it serves as reminder......of what people in our lives can be capable of......and it is something to behold......because besides the other stuff.......if somebody had asked me if he could have been capable of leaving our kitchen undone before all of this.....I would have said no way......not him.......and yet.........so I guess the cautionary tale is to never say never......choose your people wisely......really carefully......and for me, it is knowing and learning to rely on me......because that I can do.......because I am rock solid......never going to let myself down:) NOT EVER:) And one day soon I will have the beautiful kitchen I dreamed of:)
jperuso
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