As I have written before, when he first left I felt compelled to stay in my house......felt so strongly about it......not uprooting our kids......all of it.....and then I hit a point where I desired a fresh start......a new place totally......unfortunately though with the price of rentals and the state of things that just isn't possible, in a way that makes sense for the kids and I.....so as a result I am going to buy him out and get to stay here after our divorce.....and you know what it feels pretty good.....something about the shift, the feeling that the house will be all mine.......the things I plan to do to it.....all of it feels liberating in another way......it is hard to explain......it feels like it will be a new chapter for me in the same house?? I am lucky I suppose that I am not haunted by the ghost of him or our marriage here......I don't actually ever feel him at all here.....or think of him here.......which is weird right? Since we lived here so long together.....maybe because he worked so much, or was gone so much that I was here so often on my own that it feels like my house.......not sure why that is.....but I am grateful!! The other amazing thing is I get to do is get my kitchen done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO long overdue......truly.......Have been looking at it being undone for a year and a half.....a kitchen he tore apart......one he planned to renovate with me......then he left........and now I suppose it has worked as it was supposed to.......the kitchen will be my design.......my dream......in a house that will be mine........timing is important right:) Things seem to fall in place when they are supposed to......so I really look forward to the day that is done.....I want to plant a little garden on my lower deck in containers........Do some stuff in the front.......eventually put in new bathrooms.......I have lots of painting to do........and a ton of cleaning out to do.....the purging feeling I felt when I wanted to move is still alive and well......all of this stuff I have been carrying around for years has to go.......so that is my first plan.....to clean out the garage and basement.......and have a fresh start with all of that.......then clean out the inside.....room by room.....purging things that no longer need to be a part of my story......all of those thing freeing me further........I also feel peace in the knowing where I will live.......I haven't known.........and I had peace with the not knowing.......I truly did.....trusting that it would work out.......but being able to step out of that not knowing feels good too.......so now I will start the process of doing what I need to to begin to make all of those things happen......helping myself move forward in the ways I need to........clear out old energy......allowing room for new! :)
jperuso
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