I have written about my faith before some.......wondering how it began or where it came from......for years I believed......believed in things bigger than me.....and have always believed we are on a journey, and what happens along the way is written in the stars so to speak.....and I have trusted it......but for many many years I have also lived with fear in my heart alongside that faith.....and they say if you are fearful than you don't have faith....and while I understand that......and perhaps it makes sense in a literal sense, I disagree with it in a real sense.....because I have held both in my heart at many times in my life......having both of them alive and well....and battling one another, until one won......and I would give into that one.....and for many years fear would win.......and that voice would be louder.....more compelling.....more rational to some degree.....but it would lie to me......and I would listen.......but since he left and my marriage ended.......fear has been a dragon I have been intentional about slaying.....not even giving it time to have its say.......not listening to the manipulative noise it spins.......and I cannot even express the freedom that has brought me in nearly every way........and I feel like the place where fear will stay......until I do more of the work surrounding it.......is when I decide to give my heart to another.......that idea terrifies me......it is the only one that does.......and I suppose rightfully so......one would not expect somebody to be hurt in the ways I have been......suffering in the ways I have.......to be eager to decide to put themselves out there to get hurt again......when you get hurt so fully.......so exquisitely.....it stays with you all of your days I suppose........and simply put......if I don't give my heart away....in a real sense......I can prevent that from happening.......I can control that.......I can ensure that heartache will not find me.........but it is also at the sacrifice of so much else too......and it is most definitely a spot in me that needs some work applied to it......I cannot live walled up in my Rapunzel tower, in the hopes that I won't ever find heartache again.....it is both unhealthy and unrealistic......and for now it is OK......what has happened is still new in some ways......despite the time that has gone on and the healing that has occurred......but I do feel that fear spot fully and know I will need to slay it too.....as I have done with the rest of my fears......but most days it feels so much better to reside in the faith part of my heart......I have yearned for years to learn how to do that.......to banish the fear that has kept me stuck......has tortured me at times......to find a way to let it go.....and sometimes in my life I was more successful than others, but often it wasn't too far away and something would happen that would invite it back......and I keep wondering what has made the difference for me in this circumstance....what has finally allowed my faith to be bigger than my fear......and maybe it was the simple fact that I tried all I knew to save my marriage, and losing it was perhaps one of my greatest fears......and yet here I am.......thriving and loving my life......so maybe......proving that that exists to myself......the conquering and triumph of fears exists....and that our lives will unfold despite our interference or a herculean effort, set me free.....my drive and ambition plays a role in this too......I believe in the walk, and the faith in our journey, but I also deeply believe in getting out there and making some of it happen too.....so as I continue to walk and reconcile those parts of me......I know that I have almost conquered fear in this life......in a real sense..........and that as love finds me, I will have more work to do......and I am committed to looking fear in the eye one day and asking it what it has to share with me......then bidding it farewell for good.......
jperuso
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