I felt it was time to do another update on my sweet babies.............my amazing kiddos.......their journey through all of this......they have found their wings too to some extent.......their Mimi and Pop have been invaluable in their journey, and offered so much support to them as we have traveled all of this......they feel safe, secure, and fiercely loved every single day......they are accepting their new life with just me and not their dad in their day to day.......they are settling into the routine of when they talk to him......we are now navigating visitation and I have to say it is so difficult for me as their mom......I am their safe place.....their constant......"their person"........and they want to see their dad, but have reservations about all of that......how it will look, how it will feel......just how it will......and so do I.........and the idea of spending any time without them for too long feels excruciating to my soul........we have been in a cocoon of sorts since all of this happened......cuddling up together as a party of three and making our way.......and it is time to find some sort of flow in our new lives and visiting their dad is part of that........but letting them go to do that seems like so much to me.......almost too much.......it cuts my mama heart deeply......and just like all the parts of this journey there are mountains to climb in the day to day and this is one of those things.......I know people navigate it every day......I know they survive......learn to accept it.....learn to live with it......I know........I know........but I also know from talking to people that this may be the hardest part.....letting your children go......even in the short term.......I am the kind of mom that loves being with their kids.......all of the time......always have.....for the last 14 years I can count on one hand how often I have been away from them for a day or a weekend......and now it will become a regular phenomenon and as with all of this......they will follow my lead....so I NEED to be BRAVE........I NEED to be CONFIDENT.......I NEED to be all the things that make them feel OK with all of this too......that help them see this can be their new normal......their new life........that help them know that they will be OK without me for a time every other week.......and sometimes when your heart is breaking you don't want to be the leader......you don't want to have to be all those things.......as I type this my tears have started.....showing me that this deep place needed to see the light of day......that this part of my journey needs to find healing........find its voice.......so even though I want to crawl in bed and cover my head with the blanket at the thought of letting my kids go sometimes.........I just can't.......I must persist........I must be brave......I must be strong.......I must be all those things and more......I know someday.........maybe.......I will adjust.......get used to our new normal........maybe even find joy in the space where I am home alone.......maybe.........but for now my mama heart hurts deeply.....and is nervous.......feeling overwhelmed......all of it......and you know what that is OK.......I need to swim in those feelings in those space to find peace eventually in all of it.......the three of us will find our way through this too.......just as we have in all of this........and I will lead them.....
jperuso
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