There are many brutalities of going through this process. I don't use that word lightly, it suits what has been happening to me perfectly......I think by far the worst of all is my children. When you bring children into this world with another human, you make an unspoken pact that you both will have their backs and fiercely protect them all the days of your lives. You make this pact together and you feel like it will be forever. You and your spouse protecting YOUR young......as a team. When you are thrust into my situation you are suddenly on different sides of protection, your vulnerable young in the middle. The negotiations are endless, the concerns plentiful, the logistics a nightmare. The reality is it will never be the same again. Your kids will never feel as safe as they did when everybody was under the same roof. Never no matter what......The details causing things to be tilted on their axis. Making everybody involved feeling insecure and wildly uncomfortable..... I feel I may be struggling more than most.......you see I LOVE my kids and LOVE hanging out with them. I choose them every single day over every single thing....... I have been spending every single day with them since March. The thought of that being ripped from me for days during a month, into an uncertain spot, is almost more than I can take. It is the reason I walk around with a stomach ache most of the time, each and every day. Why I don't sleep soundly or for long spurts anymore...... I have been so careful with my kids and the influences that come to them, and now I need to surrender to a degree so they can continue to have a relationship with their dad during a global pandemic.......... I know kids are resilient, especially mine, and that they will be OK. However at the moment it feels desperate to me, feels like it is tugging at all my primal parts. I feel like a wounded mama bear moaning by the side of the road. Feeling ripped at all the deepest parts of me and who I am as a mom. As I type this the tears are streaming because it is so visceral and painful......just so brutal. However I also know that when these moments come I need to take a step back, to breathe, to know that for today all is well. Continuing to remember the step not the staircase........One step at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time..............
jperuso
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