So yesterday was kind of a day.......turns out my calcifications are one hundred percent not a concern, but there has been an asymmetry or thickening on my left side that they have been watching.....and the radiologist again was not concerned but could not guarantee it wasn't a thing.....based on where it was and how it came up on the mammogram......so he said if I wanted a biopsy to be sure I could........he was confident it would come back fine but thought we could do it to confirm......so I asked if I could just do it yesterday, while I was there.....I had taken the day off because Gabe was sick too......he has confirmed strep and this morning finds me wondering if he has Covid or something else on top of it:( but that is another story......so Gabe was a trooper sitting masked in the waiting room with his phone while his mama did the things.......so they squeezed me in for the biopsy (pun intended;-) In my life I have been through many random procedures and tests and stuff in my life......I have had a thyroid biopsy, surgery on my shoulder to remove two skin cancers, c-sections, and quite a few other uncomfortable type things.......and I am lucky I am not fearful of such things, I think my drive to know and be on the other side keeps that at bay.......but having said that I did not know what I was getting myself into yesterday lol:) And my bravery really foolhardy ;-) I really thought it would be much easier and quicker than it was.......it was by far the most painful and excruciating test I have ever had, and I don't say that lightly......the issue for me was the location of the concern......it was on the bottom of my left breast......so they had me lie on a gurney on my right side and lean over my body while they placed that breast in the machine and compressed it and pulled it across my body........ and ladies we all know how a mammogram feels when they squish our girls and it is bearable and quick......because of the brief period we need to endure it........however I ended up being in that machine, with my breast actively compressed for over an hour......nearly an hour and a half........I know right?????? Like what the actual? So they are pulling my breast forward, against gravity, as my body is contorted and needing to remain still.....for an insane amount of time......and then my breast was not fully numb and I felt part of the biopsy needle......yeah not so fun lol:) I actually said wow out loud.......lol......and for the first 15 minutes or so to get the picture and the spot they needed, they had to put some of my belly skin in the machine as well as my breast, and that was more excruciating than I can describe......so painful......the machine just pressing so intensely on my breast and skin......and the nurses were sweet and supportive, rubbing my back and my arm.......so I set to get my head straight....... I found a place on the wall and stared at it.....and kept repeating I can do hard things......I implemented my meditative breathing to calm my body........and I prayed for the peace of the Lord to enter my body.........I just endured it, but damn it was something lol:) then I needed to remain compressed for an additional 20 minutes in the machine because I was bleeding a good amount......I take lots of vitamins and they normally have you stop a few days beforehand, but I said I wanted to do it anyway.....but yeah bleeding......so after the hour plus torture chamber they let me out of the machine and I rolled onto my back......relief........and the confirmation of the fact that it was kinda traumatic was I went into that mini shock thing....my teeth started to chatter and my body started to shake some, and my body temp dropped.......again I laid there and summoned my meditative stuff to calm my nervous system.....and felt such relief that it was over.....and I will be glad for the full peace of mind..... when I had my moles removed from my shoulder and biopsied, the dermatologist had told me not to worry about them, and I had insisted and they turned out to be a concern, an early concern, but a concern.......so I have learned to follow my gut.......my intuitive nudges every minute........I am hopeful that all will be fine and I will get a call that I am clear next week.......trusting the journey.......However it all did make me feel lonely some.....not having any soft place to land in a spouse or partner after being so thoroughly beat up......my parents dropped off dinner and picked up Mads......but at the end of the day it is just me.......and even in my marriage I did so much alone.....and on my own for so many reasons.....in hindsight I suppose it was readying me for my life now......not sure I would know what to do if I could truly lean in to another human.......to not have to be so brave and strong all of the time.......I hope I get to experience that someday......but for now......I am leaning into myself........ and my faith.....and my strength.......and my coping skills......and my peace......and all the rest.....and grateful that all of those things live inside of me, Amen........
jperuso
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