That is another one of my new sayings.....I am allowing myself to be more open in my new life and allow for experiences to take shape.....in my old life I did feel resistance sometimes to certain things.....and now looking back I think it was feeling depleted......and tired.....and anxious, and all of those things were taking such a toll, that the idea of adding anything to my plate.....even something that I may really enjoy.......sometimes felt tiring......and I had resistance toward it......not all through my marriage, but definitely at the end......and it is still so remarkable to me how a person can mirror you.......or portray things about you.....and you can join them in it......even if it is not the essence of who you are.......just blindly stumbling into the false story, and feeling the things you are told about yourself.......it is kinda scary....and makes me have such compassion for women in abusive relationships......because while I would not consider my relationship to have been abusive......it was not healthy.....and due to that lack of health I lost myself too.....which is what happens.......and is so sad.....so in turn the stress from all of that weighed me down.....causing me to be more rigid about certain things in life, and resistant to more adventure, and things that randomly come to us......or prevented me from trying it......staying close to my comfort zone much of the time......being worried to stray too far......because so much felt out of control......I had to gain a sense of control and safety where I could........but now my comfort zone is so far in the rearview, I could not even find it if I tried.......this weekend the kids will be with their dad.....and all the things I have planned for the weekend are way out of my comfort zone.....and things I seized and made happen.......tonight I am having dinner with women I do not know.....but am following an opportunity that seized my intuition and I am excited to see where these new connections may go......and to make potential new friends:) Tomorrow I am going to plan my first tattoo......and have some other cool appointments set up......and Sunday I may be having brunch with a guy I have never met.......a unique set of circumstances set that in motion.....and I decided to just go and see what happens......it is in a restaurant......totally safe....but way out of my comfort zone......but you know what maybe not now.....I am committing to more yes less no.......more adventures......and less mundane.......more following the fire.....not letting the day to day of life bog me down......looking for the magic and sparkle and following that........and I suppose when you start to do those things your confidence builds......you get to drive your own bus......it gets to be exciting......you get to feel open and full of life.....not old and tired......and I am never looking back.........from this time forward......I will forever hold onto who I am......and remember who I am.....and the first inkling of being diminished by another person.....made to feel any way that brings me backwards, by way of the reflection I see in their eyes.....is when I ramble on.......I am never losing this chick ever again......I missed her......I like her.....love her even, finally......and owe her so much.......she has been bogged down for far too long, and has enjoyed coming back to life......full of smiles and excitement.....I will spend the second half of my life letting her roam free and honoring the fight she fought to find her way back:)
jperuso
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