Misery.........

It is a heavy word.....one that conjures all sorts of things.....but really its meaning is not all that dramatic......it is a "state or cause of feeling great discomfort and distress".....and I am fortunate I don't feel it these days.....but in my once upon a time life I did....a lot......and I need to make it clear that I did not do everything right in my marriage.....far from perfect....I own my part in all of it too........and I see so much of it clearly now.....and see how my actions could have been interpreted.....or I suppose misinterpreted on his end.......and what strikes me, on the wings of yesterday's blog is the level of misery I experienced in the final act of my marriage.....feeling the weight of it all......our issues......the affair......my own unhappiness......and I was miserable sometimes.....like really.....and it is shocking to think of now......I had nowhere to put it all, and it was transformed into this agitated misery toward him and all of it......and we could debate whether it was "warranted".....but I will challenge that......because what I have learned tells me it was not.....justified some maybe??? But warranted I will say no......because what I have discovered and wish I could have known then, or have been able to understand and implement then, is that making another human responsible for your happiness is fool's gold......and I so regret that......I know he felt the weight of that.....as much as I did......me thinking so often if only he could....... then I could feel...... and then fill in the blank......and if you are reading this and expecting your partner or spouse to bring you happiness that is a lofty expectation.....and not fair.......now that is not to say that healthy and destined relationships should have a component of the sharing of joy....each of you elevating the other person's experiences, treating one another in a way that sparks joy and happiness, I believe that now as well deeply.....but what I am referring to is making the sole source of one's own happiness the responsibility of your partner.....it is impossible.....I am living proof......the more I chased my happiness through him and his actions.....the more miserable I became.....always feeling dissatisfied.....and there was also a part where my needs were not getting met at all due to his attention being elsewhere too.....but beyond that.......... ownership of our state of peace and joy belongs to US.....EVERY SINGLE DAY.........I am working feverishly in my new life to maintain my own peace and happiness, and owning the responsibility of that....... and knowing when I meet somebody that that peace and happiness will not go anywhere, because I will never transfer that responsibility to them or give them the power to take it away.......it is work and I still falter.....but I am conscious of it....and I want somebody to come and enhance those things for me....supercharge them if you will;-) and I seek to do the same for them.....releasing that huge responsibility......and the truth is when I remember my ex realizing he was falling short of "making me happy" it makes me wince a little......it feels kinda awful......and I am sorry about that.....truly.....making him feel responsible for that......and I am certain it wasn't easy......so now I know better and will do better.....and trust that it all happened as it should have, I believe that with my whole heart.....and plan on having it all be worthwhile by taking the lessons I have learned and share those lessons with others......and one more thing......misery is insidious......it creeps in quietly.....settles in without a word.....begins to take over without a sound.....and is hard to see......I did not know I was as miserable as I was until now......until feeling all the wonderful things I feel now.....so if you are reading this.....maybe you could ask yourself about how you FEEL......and what responsibility you are taking in that feeling.....and who you are making responsible for that??? I wish I had realized then how far down the rabbit hole I was.....but it built over time, till it had taken me over .....I think it is why I am so committed to maintaining my vibration and mood now.....by doing all I do to keep it up.....once you start feeling good it is hard when you don't;-) So I would urge you, if you are in a relationship, to turn to yourself to make YOU happy......do stuff that stimulates your soul, that feels good in your heart......that brings a great big smile across your own face.....and I think in turn it would help the state of a relationship improve.....I think:) Experiment for me, until I can for myself:) Happy Friday y'all!