That is how the last day has felt some.....and I am giving myself grace......I have had a heavy few weeks emotionally for various reasons..........and now Covid......I am almost certain that is what Gabe has.....and while I am not afraid, I am not in the mood to have it here......again......alone........I suppose the being alone part in it, is the part that is poking me......making me feel the quicksand.....and its threat to affect my mindset........swallow me up.........so I gave myself the room and the grace to just chill some yesterday......I didn't feel like calling or talking to a friend.......just felt like being quiet and still and in my own mind......and sometimes life is like that I guess.......you need to roll around in the gunk and feel it on your skin, so that you can then rally and endure.......Gabe is holding his own again, but definitely not feeling well.......so that always weighs heavily, as I have seen him endure so much in his young life........then I suppose it is the Covid mind game of the waiting.......like will Mads and I get it? When?? Likely........but the waiting is kinda not so fun......and because we went through it before we have that assurance some.......I trust and have faith we will all be fine, like last time, and this will be a blip in the radar again.......and that this solitude that I am plunged into again will serve a purpose........I have some stuff in my life that require some examination.......that require change and light being brought to them......and now I have been forcibly slowed down........brakes pulled, and have the time to do that.......and loneliness has not been much of this journey......for that I have been thankful........but some loneliness has touched me the last 24 hours.......feeling the weight of this alone.......and honoring those feelings too.......I am human after all;-) and things come to touch our lives.......uncomfortable things......even with the best intentions......I now have tools when these things touch down......I have awareness and consciousness when these things touch down.....and normally clarity too........I know what to do......keep working out, or up my workout some to release stress.......meditate extra........work on challenging any negative thoughts that come.......not allow them to stay and simmer.....acknowledge them and then release......journaling.......all of it.........I have my therapy appointment by phone today, that will help, and I will continue to trust and honor my path.......even as it gets a little rocky......knowing that rainy days don't last.......that there is a lot of sun along the way, and I have felt it warm my face plenty this last year and a half......and even though I haven't felt it in the last 24 hours......I believe in its existence.......and that it will shine again, it just will:)
jperuso
Comments