In the beginning of this I did not see a way where I could ever find peace between she and I.....too much had happened, too much destruction.....too much of too much......and in the beginning I desperately wanted them to both be sorry, show remorse, somehow let me know that they knew what they had done to myself and my family, understand how horrible it was, and recognize how much pain and suffering they had inflicted on all of us......and it seemed so important......and has time has marched on and the distance between then and now stretches out, and the gratitude I feel for being free of it all builds......it doesn't matter all that much in the ways it once did.....and the turning point was when I relented and let her become a part of the visits with the kids, without battling it out in court.....and then when she came here to pick them up with him every other weekend, and I met her in the driveway with kindness and graciousness.....making small talk......finding common ground through my children.....knowing I did not have a choice but to send them with them and CHOOSING to work toward making it feel better......and to her credit she met me in that space.....following my lead and doing the same toward me......since then there have been a few situations that have called for us to communicate more deeply, and she has offered remorse for her part in the story....has said some things that I have wanted to hear......and appears to be trying hard to make this all work because perhaps it could be a part of our story for awhile, or years, hard to say, and there is no point in allowing the bad feelings and bad blood stain the whole situation.....life is too short.....and I promised when he left I wasn't going to devote anymore of my life to that.....I felt I had "wasted" a couple of years living in the dark and deception and I wasn't giving any more moments over to that cause........so to that end......I am walking forward into this new season between the three of us......it is far from perfect, and there are definitely underlying issues that I hope will get better as time goes on......and I won't fully trust either of them in the ways that I want to be able to trust people.....at least for now.........but it is progress indeed......real tangible progress.........and I am grateful for the work God has done to my heart, that has allowed me to be in this position.....to be free, peaceful, and content with this situation, the other woman, him, all of it.........nothing about a life with him appeals at all to me......and that is not expressed to be mean or snarky.....it is a fact.....and it is a fact that is necessary for this to work........if I were pining for him this would never work as it has........the fact that I am over him and us, allows for me to not care about them at all anymore......and not be hurt by them anymore.......to not concern myself at all really.......except for doing what is healthy for my children......and them seeing the three of us getting along, smiling, laughing some, being kind and cordial is beyond important......and it isn't hard for me to do, it is part of my nature to just want things to flow that way......and I appreciate her willingness to do the same with me......and my kids like her a lot......they enjoy their time with her......and I feel like he and I have followed that same playbook......being kind to one another in front of the kids this entire time, despite the mountain of things left unsaid under the surface.....and now the same is true for all of us......I give her credit for saying what she has to me, and owning the things she has fully.....I hope he one day follows her lead and does the same.......because as much as I feel it won't matter what he says....none of the horror can be undone.....it truly has been healing and helpful to hear her say what she has......and even if she doesn't mean it, which I cannot say if she does or not.....I hope she does........it feels heartfelt, and it has helped me to hear it.......that is all I can go on......and it is appreciated.......and maybe it helped her to say it too......maybe.......I hope he one day sees the value of those same things.......but if he doesn't it isn't any of my business, not now.......and I know I will be OK with our without it.......but for today it truly feels like peace is ruling the day.......and making peace is noble and possible.......and it feels like some kinda miracle indeed.........
jperuso
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