Sometimes memories pop up on FB, or find their way to me by other means and they challenge me........I am faced with my former self, and it brings up lots of things for me......and it is hard to fully articulate how different I feel......like I was reborn after he left....made anew......and I mean that so fully, in every sense......not just my physical self and being in better shape, but all facets of me have been transformed in the flames.....and so when a memory comes across my screen, or my mind......and I need to look back at HER.......I wonder so much.......I wonder how she could hang on......so deeply, so fiercely......maybe even desperately to her failing marriage.....and withstand the things she didn't deserve.......I wonder how she could keep trying and trying, and being met with such resistance.....and for lack of a better description, at certain points making a fool of herself.....and while I wonder about so much.....there is much I remember myself, and know to be true about the woman I once was.....and it makes me want to weep for her......it makes me feel sorry for her.....in a way that is not pity exactly .....but in a way that knows the things she needed......and wanted.....and she didn't get any of it......and I know she felt terrible about herself......struggling to love herself amid the weight of all she was carrying......putting on a couple of pounds during those last two years, that she just couldn't budge no matter her efforts......because her mind was a dumpster fire.....and her anxiety was on fire......just running her life......what if her husband cheats again, what if her marriage ends, what if she loses her family, what will it be like for her children, what if she gets divorced, what if she is alone, what if she.................the blanks endless.......and well all of that happened and more......and here she is.......a new woman......one that she is proud of.....a woman that loves herself....and does a much better job of that.....not a perfect woman by any means.....still work to do......but well progressed beyond the woman that pops up on my memories......a memory popped up yesterday, that brought this all up.....and as I traveled back down the road to that night.....and the remembering of the circumstance.....I felt a pang in my heart.....for the woman I was once upon a time.....and I never feel anger toward her for the decisions she made or didn't make.....I understand she did the best she could do given the cards she was dealt......and that the source of all of her actions, was in the saving of her marriage and family.......but I do wish I could go back and offer her comfort.....lend her some of my hope and strength now......and tell her that it is OK to let go.....just let go.......I got you girl.........and I will never abandon you again........
jperuso
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