Mads and I hung out last night, and had a fire in the living room, and watched a movie.....and she had been talking about her dad earlier in the night.....they had Facetimed yesterday....and she talked about missing him.....and I had told her again, I was so sorry she had to go through that and that she continues to have to.....so maybe that is why it was on her mind....but as the movie started, she asked if her dad had left in the night or the morning.....it has been a sticking point with her, because she holds me accountable, even when she was just 4 for "lying" to her.....the morning after he had left, he left after the kids went to bed that night.....I was so leveled, I could not bring myself to tell them yet, so I had said he was running errands early when they asked where he was.....and had my parents come, and take the kids for the weekend, so I could grieve.....and she and I have talked about that "lie", and she understands that I was too heartbroken and sad, and could not stand to break her heart yet......but she still doesn't love that I did it.....but she understands why I did.......so I don't lie to her about any of it anymore....I promised her that......but I also don't tell her things.....or volunteer them........I have not said one unkind word about their dad this entire time.....not one.....and I am proud of that........and any conclusions they have drawn about any of it, has been on their own....and I have told her someday when she is a bigger girl we will talk about it all.....she wants so desperately to know her truth, and the full story.....so last night when she asked, I told her he left at night.....and all the sudden she asked, well where did he go that night? Now they have known he had gone to his girlfriends .....my ex introducing them to his girlfriend days later on Facetime.....all of it......she has been a part of this story from the beginning.....and Mads has known that......but there are places of herself she protects......she had said one day in the car, despite knowing all of that........that her dad would never cheat on me......that she isn't sure what happened but it wasn't that......he would never do that because it is so wrong........so as she asked that question last night, my blood ran cold....knowing what she was finally putting it together.....or allowing herself to put it together.....so I said he went to _________________'s house.........and she said well then he must have cheated on you mom........why would he be able to go there if he hadn't.......OMG mom he cheated on you!!! Now enters the part that makes me super uncomfortable.....I am not ready to have that conversation with her.....she is 7......I am not ready for her to know that about her dad......her mind too y0ung and innocent in my mind......so when this stuff comes up it makes me super uncomfortable.....but I won't lie to her either.....I promised her that....so instead I told her we could talk about it all another time, and I sort of dodged the question some and got back into our movie....but I could see her wheels spinning the whole time and I am sure we are going to be picking it back up soon.........and whether that was right or wrong to do, I am not sure......but it was my instinct to table it a little longer.....but Mads is no fool....she is super bright.....and deep....... and intuitive....and I believe, based on the things she has said before....that she has known the truth for a long time.....but has protected herself from it.....wanting to have preserve her image of her dad for as long as she can, and keep it pristine....and I get that....and support that for her....her conclusions need to come from her, not me.....I never wanted them to look back at this time and remember me trashing their dad or his girlfriend, not any of it......I have stepped out of the judgement zone and kept my feelings about that piece of it to myself, away from them from the first day.......and knew that they would put it all together on their own at some point, and knew that I would share my truth with them someday......I don't believe kids should live a lie......especially when something so traumatic came to found them....my kids deserve the truth someday....but gently......and I will deliver it as such....but it may come sooner than I had hoped based on last night.........and I will need to be prepared when it does.......I am working on what is the best way to handle it when it does.......
jperuso
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