Mads asked the question again......"Did Daddy cheat on you mom?" The other night as we were going to sleep, she just blurted it out......and it caused me to sputter, and hem and haw again.....and put it off again, agreeing to talk to her when she is 8 about it......telling her it is such a complicated and big conversation and we need time to talk about it.....buying me some time.....what upsets me and challenges me about it, is the shattering of her innocence and her image of her dad......which I know in my rational mind is on him, not me.....and I also strongly believe that we should live in truth......I am not serving my daughter by lying to her about one of the most traumatic and life changing times in her life.....and as she grows she will know what happened based on the circumstance she lived, looking at it from a grown perspective.....so even if I wanted to lie to protect her, a lie wouldn't make sense based on what has happened.......so yea it upsets me that my daughter has to have her innocence shattered by what happened and what her dad did at 7 years old, and really even younger, I believe a part of her has known for a long time.....I also get upset by the fact that the relationship I have with him is not one where I can call him, and tell him what she said, and talk to him about it, and how we should handle it......he has made that impossible......so I sit, feeling the weight of his actions, as I have been so many times before......because I am the one she feels comfortable asking that question to.....and that part makes me feel grateful.....that she feels like she can ask me that.......but wow it is a big one......and one I wish she hadn't asked me yet......wishing I had more time for her to grow......and mature......but she is so smart....and intuitive.....last night Gabe had the DV benefit concert .....and we dropped him off earlier, and ran to get money for it, and I got her a snack at Turkey Hill...... and there was an older man really struggling to walk in......he walked with a cane and was physically really in rough shape.....and it broke my heart to watch him struggle.....and he did not want help, a few men standing there offered......and we waited patiently behind him, outside on the sidewalk until he made it in.....and later in the car....we talked about feeling for the man and his struggle physically....and Mads said he walked better without his cane mom, but then couldn't balance, I felt for him. And it was so intuitive of her to catch that....at one point the man stopped using the cane so he could walk faster some, but then started to lose balance....and it was subtle.....something I would not have thought she would have caught and she did.....but she deeply sees and feels people......and this situation with discovering what has happened is well beyond her years.....and I already feel like this happening at all has forced her to grow up faster than I would have liked....the nature of it.....and none of it I can do anything about.....nothing but just sit in it.....with her....and support her.....so last night on the way to the concert, I said Mads I know you want answers and to talk about what you asked me, and I promise I will when the time is right, and I respect your wanting to know.....and she seemed satisfied with that for now.....and as this is coming up.....I am examining my own feelings about it too....am I protecting him some? That was always what I did in our marriage, support and protect him, loyal till the end......but I don't think that is the case here....I truly feel like the wincing I feel in it, is on behalf of her.....and what will happen to her image of him, and the pain she will feel when she finds out, and worrying about where she is going to put all of that.....and maybe as I type this, it may be a good idea for me to make an appointment with my therapist, and maybe we could do a session with her and talk about it there.....in fact that is what I am going to do.....I want to do my best to have the conversation go as well as I can, and it be as healthy as it can be for her......see this blog is magic for me sometimes....helping me hear answers I otherwise would not....I think I need to do it soon....I am not sure she can table it as long as I wish we could.....but I will help her navigate this piece, just like the rest.....and work on continuing our healing journey together......every single day
jperuso
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