We were driving yesterday and Mads was talking to me about some stuff she wants to express to her dad.....stuff that is bothering her when she is there.....it is nothing too crazy, and I offered to support her in sharing it, but she wants to find an opportunity to talk to him herself.....so I am giving her room to navigate it all, the way she wishes and in the best way for her.....it is complicated that way.....she confides in me, and I do not want to ever betray that for her......and she is plenty able to articulate how she is feeling at any moment....so I trust it will pan out the way she wants it too....and then she said.....this is weird mom.....I don't feel weird mentioning daddy in front of you.....but I feel weird mentioning you in front of daddy.......and it stopped me cold...and I decided to delve a little deeper in the conversation about it yesterday than I normally do.....and I said it is probably due to the way your dad treats me.....and she said yeah I know he ignores you, and I have seen you try and talk to him.......and I don't know why he does that.....I don't think he means it mom, to push you away like that........and I don't know why you both can't be friends.....and then we talked a little about the source of him not talking to me.......I said I think your dad feels guilty and some kind of way about what he did to me and what happened.....and it prevents him from being able to do that for now Mads......I believe there are other sources of his not talking to me too, but I left it at that....and I said I am always open to being friends with your dad.......I have told him that many times....and maybe one day he will......I also told them I am not mad at him and forgive him.........but it bothers them both immensely and it is one of the parts of this story where I have to summon strength.......and acceptance.....there is nothing I can do about the dynamic he has created......I can't fight it.....muscle it......control it....it just is....but in my mind it is absurd and senseless.......and is well beyond my understanding.....like why?? Seems ridiculous that almost 3.5 years later it STILL has to be this way......like I am invisible.....a stranger....however her comment made me feel good again to some degree.....knowing I am doing my part......and she is seeing the effort I make, and she feels comfortable talking about her dad and all of it with me.......I am not causing her to have any discomfort.....or strange feelings.....that is all I ever want.....our lines of communication are wide open.....and I never want that to change......never......so it felt heavy.....and there is nothing more that I wish, than to be able to do something about it.....but I can't....for now.......it just is.....so I summon the part of me that has learned to accept and surrender.... on repeat, living my life as it is....and accepting that....and not fighting it....knowing that my power lies in the story I am crafting.....how I show up in this story.....my legacy in it for my kids.....and that is it......the most powerful thing I can do.....and while I am doing that he is also crafting his.......
jperuso
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