Mads and I were headed to school the other morning and had a big conversation about so much on our way.....Her hamster she had had at her dad's house died, and she was very upset over the weekend about it....she started to talk about it....and I told her that it was so sad, and that I was so sorry, and that unfortunately we all have scars on our hearts that we get over our lifetime, and somehow we learn to make space and peace with them, and that I was so sorry Chocolate's passing left a scar on her heart......she then told me that it was her second scar.....her dad leaving was the first one....and that she didn't think the scar her dad has left will ever go away.....but maybe the one from Chocolate will....and we talked a little bit about that....and she said "Daddy accidentally broke my heart" and yours too mom.......and I told her yes he did....and it kind of took me back some....I have never told her directly, or said to her that her dad broke my heart...but I suppose she knows that from the what she has witnessed in my grief in the aftermath......and the way she protects him is both sweet and sad.....she wants to protect him so fiercely in every narrative, and I support that one hundred percent...she needs to reach her own conclusions as she grows.....and they adore one another....of that there is no doubt, and unfortunately as she does grow and she understands more, learning the story, it will break her heart further.....which is so hard for me....but living a lie is not an option.....for any of us......and I asked her if she has ever talked to her dad about all of that, and she said she had told him she was sad he didn't live with us....but has never told him that he broke her heart......because it would hurt him too much to hear that.......such a sweet soul.....protecting her dad......and she has said this to some degree before, but this time she followed it up with a very clear "but I will someday, I will tell him all of it"......and for her sake I hope she gets that chance someday.....to speak her truth and have it heard and validated by him.....and having these conversations with her all of this time, and knowing her feelings on it, this showed me growth in her........showed me that she is evolving in her grief.....and looking for ways to perhaps mend her heart scar further.......we all have them right?....finding us at different times by different means.....different causes.....different ways......and she is right that some of them cut us more deeply than others......some are more apt to heal more quickly....fade away, and some will stay with us all of our days.....I feel like my heart is a tapestry of them.....have had my fair share in this life.......and if I imagine the image of my heart with all the scars on it.....it might seem a little battle worn....calloused over scars like the ones on my shoulder......but the heart underneath is strong.....healthy looking, and resilient, full of light.......and full of hope and love to share, and hopeful that my biggest heart scar will continue to fade too.....just like my girl is......and I consider it to be an honor to help her navigate it all......and am so grateful she is equipped with such deep wisdom and understanding, and the ability to articulate her feelings........it will serve her well on her journey........
jperuso
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