I have been grateful for how my kids have healed.......how well they do most days and how they have navigated our new life.......but I am always keenly aware that their broken hearts are there......just below the surface......but Mads particularly has deep heartache related to her dad leaving......it is deep and wide......she and him were so close when he was here.....daddy's girl all day long.......kindred spirits, and then he vanished....and she is always happy to spend time with him when she can, but her heart is broken that he isn't here in her every day life.....as I type this I am getting a stomach ache......it is so painful for me to witness........her little broken heart......and I think what is worse is that I cannot do a thing about it.....and even if her dad wanted to come back, and I could make it all alright for her......I wouldn't.........and that is excruciating........there is literally nothing to be done about it for her......I cannot save her from her heartache.......I can only soothe her......hold her when she cries......tell her that it is all OK and what she feels is normal and valid and she is entitled to her broken heart.....I tell her how brave she is.....and how hard I know it is for her......all those things and more, but ultimately I have to just sit in that spot with her and endure her pain........and as I hold her I am always amazed at how painful it is......it is so hard to explain the hurt I feel while watching her heart break......it is the most pain I have ever been in, to watch them suffer so.......and I am always reminded he has yet to do that........she spares him her pain.......brings only her happy and OK self to him......on Facetime........or in person.......fearing pushing him away further......embarrassed to share her feelings with him......ones he caused.......shielding him from all of it......and it is another injustice in this story........as is the question she asked the other night.....why her dad got her so many presents for Christmas but I didn't? Santa comes here so.........and she wasn't saying it in a bratty way.....it was more as a musing.....a curiosity......and what do I say......that Santa isn't real and I bought you and your brother all your gifts......NO.....LOL:). So I sit in that too and endure......come up with a clever explanation.....and take the hit........and it is all these things........all of these things that pile up........that sometimes feel super unfair.......unjust......just wrong.........and yet I am powerless in a certain way to fight them......this is just the way it is for now.......she also fully understands what he has done......she doesn't know the story, she asks all the time and I tell her we will chat when she is a big girl.....that it is grown up stuff.......and I do plan on telling her the truth......she deserves to know it, as her entire life was turned upside down....but she is wise enough to understand what he has done is wrong..........but in the meantime she feels very clearly who is her ride or die......she sometimes will say.........I wonder who my better parent is mom?.......and I always shrug my shoulders and say I don't know Mads......and she comes and puts her arms around me and says you are mom.........you are the best mom in the whole world and I love you so much.......and in my mind it is not a competition......I am really doing nothing different for them than I always have......except picking up a bunch of slack on the other end........but her awareness is there......and as time marches on it will increase......and it is something he doesn't understand......he is not here to witness it, doesn't care to know about it, none of it.......so he doesn't know that as each day goes on he loses ground with them.....missing their lives really.......in a real sense......but all of that truly is moot because he wasn't meant to be here anymore either........as it stood there was no way to avoid this outcome.......so here we are.......it is far too late to have carved another path......the only power I have over my children's broken hearts......is to do my best to just love them fiercely every single day.....speak kind words to them about their dad and his love for them.....and create a life that we are crazy about.......the rest of it I have to just let go......I just do....my power lies in how I show up in this story......and I show up every single day indeed.....
jperuso
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