My poor Mads.....she truly inspires me on a regular basis in ways that are hard to explain....she is really such a well rounded human, and is intelligent in so many ways that are so very important......her academic intelligence, social and emotional intelligence, and common sense are so well balanced.....I mean I know she is my kid;-) and I may be a little partial but she really is......other people can vouch for that too;-) Last weekend found our turtle passing away....he had been hibernating, which he often does when it is fall, but it became apparent he was gone.....so Mads and I buried him in the yard.....and she was sad to lose him.....acknowledging the accumulation of loss.....but then this week found her losing even more.....the dog she had been close to at her dad's house passed away.....and her dad picked her up on Wednesday and told she and Gabe then....and she is heartbroken....just heartbroken......she had a special bond with that dog during the entire time she has been visiting her dad's house, from the very beginning.....and it hit her so hard.....he was a very sweet dog.....and when she came home on Wednesday she just sobbed and sobbed.....and said Mom I have lost so much......a nod to the grief about losing that dog poking at the grief she feels about losing her dad.......and damn if grief and loss is not so tough.....it just is.....and as our grief in life accumulates, I think the challenge does become in holding it all.....finding a place to carry it within us.....a place to store it away and hope it finds a way to rest peacefully as we carry on.....and watching her pain, and standing in it all with her broke my heart again.....I let her talk.....and say all she was thinking and feeling, and validated it all.....and then I held her and sang to her "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make your mama happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear how much your mama loves you, so please don't take my sunshine away" I have been singing that to her all of her life, our own version, and I kept repeating it till she fell off to sleep.......and yesterday she begged me to stay home, and I could not oblige since I had taken Monday off for Gabe since he was sick :( So we rallied in the morning, and I told her I would make her a keepsake key chain for her book bag with a picture of Rex so she could carry it in her heart...and she loved that idea, and she ended up having a good day yesterday....and today she is off and I have to work, so she gets to spend it with my parents which is her bliss:) And she got to sleepover there last night, also her favorite! And all of it just makes me ache for my girl.....I never wanted her to grow up as quickly as she has.....becoming this wise and war torn at 7.....slaying dragons and climbing mountains so early in life.....not ever.....and the reality is I cannot change it, or stop it, or any of it......I can only support her as it comes....helping her find a way to navigate it all.......helping her row the boat when the water gets choppy.....and watching your child suffer is one of life's agonies, no questions......I experienced it so much with Gabe, early in his life.....his NICU days.....specialists on repeat, procedures and tests being endless, and it tore me to shreds....and this feels like that.....watching my girl in emotional pain and not being able to take it all away......I remind her of her strength and resilience in those moments, while honoring her pain and giving it room to breathe....a place to be seen and heard......their weekend with their dad was rescheduled for this weekend....so they have fun stuff planned to help it all......and I hope they have a great time......and I am going to be good to myself and recharge some, so I am here when the next storm comes, and I am strong enough to row again with my Gilly girl.......I love you my girl, more than you will ever knowxoxo
jperuso
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