Not too long ago Mads had put together the pieces of her dad's affair....and realized what had happened......she came to me to fill in the blanks for her.....and while I had always hoped it would be a conversation we would have down the road.....I could not wait for that someday.....she had known her dad had gone to his girlfriend's house after he left here....and he inserted his girlfriend on Facetime, and in the narrative with the kids right away......so here it was for Mads to ponder and put together.....and one of the reasons I love hiking with my kids is the presence it brings for us.....no distractions....no technology....no chores....no nothing.....just the three of us in the quiet of the trees.......And yesterday we were singing as we hiked, and I asked Mads if she remembered the song I played for her before school when she was having such a hard time....she had gone through pretty intense separation anxiety, and was being bullied, and really struggling to find her voice....and I would play this empowerment song for her every morning, and speak life into her day, and try and give her the courage to overcome....and she said she did remember....and that she realized that she felt powerless then....and that is where her sadness came from....and once she decided to stand up for herself....she realized she was powerful....and it changed everything for her, WOW right?? SHE IS 8 lol:) My little wise, old soul Gilly.....so then she asked me about a time I felt powerless......and I said sometimes I felt like that with their dad....I wanted everything to work out so desperately, and it made me feel powerless sometimes....and then I said to them both that their dad did not intend to hurt us the way he did.....I know that....and Mads agreed.....she said her dad is a good person that did some things he shouldn't have.....and then she said......mom you gave daddy a second chance....you tried, and daddy didn't take that chance.....that is on him, not you......and it hit me hard....because for me.....the two years I spent giving him that second chance, and living a lie, and under the weight of it all is a span of time I sometimes wish I had back.....even though most of me knows it had to happen that way.....it still pokes me some....and in one moment that was washed away......those two years....that second chance....which ended up being multiple chances.....soothes my girl's heart.....giving her peace and closure that there was nothing more to be done....this is the story.....and it brought such peace to my heart....and it wasn't in a way that blamed their dad.....that wasn't it.....I am always careful of that, and not making him the villain....and I let the kids arrive at their own conclusions at every turn....and I have said I did not do everything perfect in our marriage, and sometimes people that love each other just outgrow each other, and it is best to move on.....but none of that is the point of what she said to me....because ultimately the minute he walked out the door, and during the time I was trying to repair my marriage, the only person I was responsible for was ME.....how I showed up.....I could not control his actions or the story he chose for himself....and what our kids will know......so Madeline validating MY part and effort, even though he might not, ever......was powerful for me.....she told me she was glad that I was her mom....and that I gave her daddy that chance....and then she said that her dad hasn't apologized to her yet....but she thinks it is because it makes him too sad to think about all of it....and that she doesn't think it will happen soon.....but she hopes one day it will....so as we walked in the sunshine....on such a gorgeous day.....we all found healing among the trees....Gabe listening closely, and interjecting his loving sentiment along the way too.....I know I say it a lot....but I love my children so deeply....and find them to be such special people....and feel so blessed that I get to hang with them in this chapter....such a fiercely bonded trio..... and yesterday's deep talk among the trees....touched my heart...and lifted a weight......and made all the suffering I did in those two years worth it....every moment, in one moment all worth it.......
jperuso
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