Madeline.........

Madeline's journey through this has been really hard to witness......she was really attached to her dad when he was here, and they have/had a sort of kindred vibe kinda thing between them......and she misses him terribly......she goes long spurts seeming to be OK and then she has a span of time where she breaks down, sobbing, saying she misses her dad......this week has been hard, I think because I am back to work and she was able to see her dad last weekend......so she has been crying a lot this week to me at night......saying how much she misses her dad:(......and witnessing it makes my stomach hurt.......just typing it now does.....as she sleeps soundly upstairs......it just does......I can understand in my adult mind, to some degree.....because I won't ever fully understand, I am afraid.......but I can process all of it.....knowing all the adult pieces of the puzzle, but I often put myself in her shoes and think how much more confusing it must be for her five year old heart and mind......her dad just up and left on a Thursday night......after dinner.......how do I explain that to her? Someday she will connect the dots.....and he should be dreading that day........I know I am......because her heart will break all over again when she realizes the circumstances.....when she understands what must have been......when she asks me about it and I tell her........the truth......in the kindest and gentlest way possible......because she deserves to know the truth.....not live in a lie......not have one of the largest heartaches of her life be shrouded in mystery and deception......but for now I look in her little face.....as the tears stream down......and watch an almost panic comes over as she sobs, as if she wishes she could find him somewhere, and bring him home.....change the story somehow......and all I can do is hold her as she falls apart......and tell her I love her so very much......and so does her dad.......and that it will be OK.....and that it is OK for her to be sad.....to feel all of it......and I am here to talk to her about anything she wants to........and in those moments I feel my own heart shattering......all over again......not because I too want to put it back together.......but because I cannot do a thing about it.......not a thing.......I cannot lessen her pain......make this any less sad for her......her grief is her own.....and as much as I want to take it on and keep it for her......shield her from it.......I can't,,,,,,,and it is BRUTAL........and guess what.......he knows none of that sort of pain I endure....or the pain they endure....he doesn't, and hasn't had to see the fallout in our kids........only glimpses......and doesn't that seem wildly unfair.........considering it was at his hands???? It does to me.......but I don't stay in that place too often or for too long......I can't, there is no point in it.........They don't ever want to share too much with him......still.......out of fear of hurting his feelings......so I get to absorb most of it.......and watch their grief when it comes.......and it is a million percent fine with me.....it is my job......I am their mom......their safe place.....their calm......their rock solid......but it was supposed to be part of his job too............and he has checked out in so many ways.....and it is so painful for me to think of.......even if I could share with him, in the most eloquent words I could ever find, the pain and suffering they have endured......that I have endured.....he won't ever REALLY get it......I have accepted that.....he wasn't here after the earthquake hit......as we all walked through the rubble......his people.......his FAMILY..........he won't know the pain our kids suffered through......but it will stay with me......all of my days......as I type that tears fall......feeling all of it........as much as I never wanted any of this for them.....and even as I know I am destined for brighter things......this is their journey....I can't control what becomes a part of their walk in this life to some degree......the only thing I can do is walk beside them in it each and every day......and show them healthy ways to cope when the rubber hits the road.....and I plan on doing just that.......