It occurred to me the other day that I don't love him anymore......I know right yikes!:( I always thought this special place would reside in me, and remain there based on his being the father of my children......but I am not so sure......I mean he has had a huge role in that love being lost.....his treatment of me since he has been gone has been part of that responsibility.....let's be honest, if somebody is treating you poorly at every turn, except face to face, you will lose that loving feeling.....I think the night he left I lost a big piece too....the "in love" space waned considerably under the horror, deception, and disloyalty.....and throughout the months I have felt less and less each time under the actions he chooses.....he is not a man I would choose again, not even close.....none of the things he does, or spends his time doing, or the way he behaves, or doesn't......would be the type of man that would turn my head....not even a little bit......it hurts my heart to write this.....I thought the special places we created all those years ago would remain in the fabric of me......that I would be able to access that love light.....not to rekindle it, but to admire it from time to time.....but the candle is out.....and I think for good.....I feel like if one day he decides to choose better.....be better.....I could love him as my friend for life.....my partner to raise our kids the rest of the way.....find a fondness for him in a platonic way.....but as for all that Nick and Jenn stuff .......it is gone.....not even a pang in my heart.......and perhaps I feel more than what I think.....because he does provoke anger in me sometimes.....and you can't be angry and not have some feeling to go along with it.....but not so sure.......It is remarkable too.....being a Taurus and who I am, if I love you it is normally for life.....not much you can do to change it.....loyal to a fault....which is likely why I hung in for so long......BUT once you reach the end of my road......push it too far, you are done......FOR LIFE......there are many days I am grateful for his awful behavior toward me after, it helped me get over him, no question about it......it was not the right thing.....but my heart mended in ways it needed to, under the weight of his bad behavior.......so for that I am grateful......I had to gather my self respect and not take it, and not let it become a part of me.....allow myself to REALLY SEE him for who he is......what he is capable of........eventually getting to the place where nothing he does, except as it relates to our children, bothers me at all.....powerful place to be.....I think because I have no respect there anymore.....when you don't respect or admire someone, their power in your life ceases to exist in a real way......and I have lost all the respect and admiration I once I had for him.......I suspect if we sat down to talk there are some deep buried emotions that would arise.....and need to be worked through.....but as for my day to day feelings for him.....they are not there and haven't been for quite some time.....I guess it did not occur to me so clearly until the other day.....I don't even know what made me think of it, but it was one moment of clarity......it is a blessing......I have a new life to live......no room or time for my old life to haunt it......my goal has been to let him go all along and I have more than succeeded in that......and now in every way.......
jperuso
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