I feel super blessed that loneliness hasn't come to find me too often......in fact quite the opposite has been true, the respite and being alone has been a welcomed change....... I have always enjoyed time alone, and find it easy to hang in my own company and do my thing and spend my days with my kids...............and the amount of time that has been given back to me in my day is kinda crazy.......truly......however there are times that I am lonesome for a place on this earth, not so much the person that I occupied that space with........I am lonesome sometimes for that sacred space that exists in a marriage.......especially a longer marriage and relationship........the "knowing".......of each other and connecting with your point person in this life, often and regularly........unspoken nuance......spoken shared history........having them care about the subtle things and the things that come to find you in your day to day..........I miss that..........I am lonesome for the kind of affection and intense intimacy that exists inside of a marriage.........inside of the space between two people that love each other, feel safe and comfortable with each other, and are free to be themselves, and have been for many years.........yeah I miss that......more than I would like to admit......I miss having somebody to drink coffee with, or sit on the deck with, and chat about whatever, as we watch our kids play alongside that conversation.......the soft place that is a family, and its ease........ and days spent together doing whatever.........or nothing.....but really everything........yeah I miss that.........I miss a constant person to make plans with.......a constant play date for life's adventures..........I miss seeing love in somebody's eyes as they look at me across the room.......or the smile shared over something one of our kid's did that was just so endearing and brilliant, even if only to us........and in the missing a spot on the earth is a tough one......especially these spots.........because most of them are gone forever......like FOREVER...........no matter what great adventures lie ahead......and make no mistake, I am certain there are great adventures up ahead......ones I haven't even dreamt of yet.....exciting right??? I KNOW:) But even with those adventures on the horizon some of the places I yearn for are gone....... And the lonesome aches for those places of once upon a time are tough......my kids have those spots too.......things of those days they miss fiercely..... and seeing it in them hurts me too.......deeply.........and when they come up we talk about it.......honor the love and space it occupied, and reminisce, and then let it go......till the next one comes........being lonesome is definitely different than lonely.......and I am mindful of that difference, and keeping it into its place and where it needs to reside in my heart........I hope to one day regain some of those places on this earth......the ones I am able to........with another........but until then I will remain lonesome for those places........not the person.........
jperuso
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