So for the first time this weekend I felt the feeling of being lonesome......lonesome for a place of long ago.....lonesome for my life of once upon a time......I truly have not felt too lonely through this thankfully.....I enjoy my company and the company of my kiddos.....and haven't felt that feeling of being lonely or alone.......but this weekend that feeling came to find me......maybe it was creating a space we had both loved together and preparing for summer.....maybe it was the fact that it has been a bit since I have had steady adult companionship and conversation in my life due to the pandemic.....maybe it was because we had seen each other a couple of times this week....hard to say really......but it is most certainly an uncomfortable feeling..........I made sure to stay with it.....examine it.......find out the whys of it happening out of the blue.....and just accepting it....it is likely a feeling that will come and go maybe forever......depending on how my life goes....however I have also been lonely in my life when I wasn't living alone, and that is not a good feeling either.....so there is no point in trying to fill that space, just to fill it.....it is better to acknowledge there is a space, to feel the space, breathe in the space.......and know that none of these feelings stay, they are all fluid.....coming and going like the waves of the ocean.....and I don't need to get too caught up in any wave when it comes.....just have to ride it until it passes......and the relief when it passes is welcomed......living alone and being a single mom suddenly is definitely something that needs time to adjust to......especially after 20 years.......and I am adjusting.....I am learning how to fill that space with my own heart, things that make me feel calm and happy.....that bring me peace......those other hollow spaces will be filled perhaps one day......but not with just anything......not just anything.......quality things.....yet to be found......so much of this is so challenging.....in nearly every single way......and hurts so deeply....and in the pain is where you are forced to deal with it.......to find solace in those painful spaces....because withstanding them endlessly just isn't sustainable.....you need respite.....and I have found mine......in lots of ways.......I am lonesome for a man I once knew.....I am lonesome for who he was to me.....to my kids......to my life.......and being lonesome for a man that no longer exists is futile....and heartbreaking...........so instead I will carry that man in my heart......and breathe in the lonesome and exhale the peace........and accept what is and what comes.....each and every day.........
jperuso
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