In the end and as things continue to unfold I am more and more aware of the lie I was living in.....and it is incredibly painful......your marriage is one of your most sacred relationships and spaces in this life and to feel like some of it was a house of cards hurts more than I can put into words......some stuff has been happening lately, and has come up recently, that has brought this to the forefront, and again there is much I want to still know.......still ask......and am unable to......but even in that I am keenly aware of the simple notion that things just aren't what they seem in life......maybe more often than we know.....the shadows people hide behind.....from themselves......from the people that love them......from everybody......knows no bounds and to feel free with another person is what we all strive for......for them to see us in our truth......all of it and not look away......or not make us feel rejected in any way is the stuff that magic is made of......some of his truth was hurting me deeply and yet I truly did try so hard to stand in it with him.....to not look away......to invite him in.......to go deeper with me into a deep intimacy that I am not sure he could stand to experience......but more importantly he couldn't tolerate it because he was unable to be honest with himself.......not willing to say his truth......not open up in the ways he needed to to heal himself and us......and it is not easy......being transparent and brave in owning who you are.....who you really are can be scary......but it is really the only way.....especially in a marriage.....I know now there can't be any room for hiding.......or pretending......or any of it.....because I guess in hindsight I was living part of that lie too.....contributing to it......talking myself into being happy at certain parts when I wasn't......convincing myself that my needs were being met when they weren't........questioning so much of what was happening but proceeding forward.......and there were times over the years that I worried for us, and if we would make it......because as crazy about each other as we were........we always had a level of complication........it was not easy ever......except in the beginning......it took work.......and I was OK with that......but now I wonder if when it is right.....when you are fully aligned with another........that maybe it shouldn't be that hard.....that maybe there is a levity that takes over......an ease........a place where the two of you just are unapologetically who you are and it is freedom in the truest sense of the word......that is the kind of love I want.......a free one........one where I am understood fully......where I am seen for who I am in this life......where I am loved fiercely.......and fully .......and one where I can offer the same in return.......I am glad the lies have ended in my life and I am stepping into the truest part of my life.......the most authentic I have ever been......I will always be sad that neither of us could fully stand in our truth with each other......and that this is the way the end looks and feels.......it is tough.......and I will mourn the parts of my marriage that were magical to me.......and where we did get it right........there were lots of beautiful memories I will carry......but I will forever be grateful that I have been set free to live in my truth........and I truly hope he finds his too.........
jperuso
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