So I feel a blog should be a platform to express oneself, obviously......but definitely not a place to air dirty laundry. So this blog post needs to be written, it really does, but it needs to be written delicately in the spirit of that belief..........I cannot explain how it feels to know a man for 20 plus years. Cross bridges surrounded by fire with this man........have the absolute most vulnerable moments of my life with him, spend all my favorite days of my life with him by my side, and just simply adore him with all of my being, for as long as I can remember, and feel that I know him on such a deep spiritual level, only to have our love story end this way.......a love story I have always loved so very much.....there is no way to write another ending. It will forever be left with a giant ugly mark on its final chapter........a chapter wrought with tragedy and sadness and destruction..........it is devastating in a way that I almost can't articulate..........for me to now look at him and feel I recognize nothing about him. Not a familiar hair on his head or look in his eye......not a familiar interaction between us at all.....all foreign, all painful, all destructive........it has to be the most surreal thing I have ever experienced, in all my life.......One of my core traits, deep inside of me, is to see the best in people, love them where they are, perhaps to a fault......I believe them to be the person I see in my mind. Sparkly and wonderful, flawed and human........all at once. I love that I have the ability to do that, but it has ended badly for me before as well........due to me loving somebody that perhaps never was there at all??.........each time I am left feeling sorry for the person, sorry for them, because if they had loved themselves the way I loved them it would be something so magical, unstoppable truly......but instead I am left with a feeling that perhaps none of it was real at all......such an empty and sad place to be. Left holding the memory of them, with the bright light shining on the shadow they have left behind. The last two weeks I have examined the part of me that sees the good, sees beyond the human condition, offers people grace, gives compassion freely, loves with her whole heart, loves out loud, and you know what even with all that has happened, I think I am gonna keep her.........
jperuso
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